How to lose a guy in 24 hours

Now, that I’m through with Ben, (the English teacher, remember?) because of his un-manly pasta-from-scratch-making ambition, and me being (apparently) not Buddhist- friendly, I am having a go at meeting men in a more traditional way. I go to a bar in Dalston.

It is great to be around real people again! Unlike having to stare at their profiles on internet, and coldly picking men that suit the fantasy of a relationship, this is a Russian roulette.

So, I’m here with my best friend Ella, who is great to go out with because we are truly compatible – she is a real opposite of me – decent, shy, non-ambitious, un-confrontational, funny yet quiet. Although occasionally we kind of swap – that’s the beauty of being non one dimensional women.

We drink cocktails because we think that beer smells, and it’s therefore not great if you are anticipating chatting to men.

The place is not yet packed; we are invited by the barman (which is quite unusual) to join a table with 3 other guys. I mumble ‘hi, thanks for letting us share, bla, bla’. They look delighted. Whatever, we exchange glances with Ella. We try to play it cool, even thought both of us have been way too busy to go out to ANY bar, for months.

The music is pretty good, the atmosphere very relaxed. It’s not glamorous at all, but it is cool and sexy. We decided to have a full on fun tonight, and agreed to bring men with us, back to Ella’s flat in Hackney. We even said, we would settle for one (and share) if worse came to worst…

Suddenly two guys from the other side of the table appear in front of us, and without asking, or even introducing themselves, say casually:

‘Hi. Are you Swedish?’

Simultaneously I say ‘Yes, we are’ and Ella ‘no, we are Polish’. Oh, God. She’s always like this: sweet and painfully honest. It is supposedly being just a start of playful conversation. Thankfully, they have not heard Ella’s reply (or pretended not to) and I continue with:

‘Yes, we are. You could tell by the size of our feet?’

We both are very tall, and that implies rather big feet. Guys look surprised and laugh out loud, inspecting our feet. The ice is broken, and we are now chatting in pairs. The shorter, dark-haired Chris talks to me about his media company and how he managed to once fire the other gay, Andy. I look at Andy, I like him – he’s tall, charming and very funny. I doubt he could ever deserve to be fired, and instinctively dislike Chris.

Ella reminds me that we’ve got to be in the other bar (‘Passing Clouds’) before 10pm, to get in for under £10. Andy doesn’t want to let us go, and holds us around shoulders, makes up rap music and we dance to it. We are all singing by now, and laugh at the lyrics we make up. And when I’m so close to Andy, I'm surprised at how good and natural it feels. Was that an attempt to kiss me? I wonder, when he brings himself even closer to me. The music changes, Ella turns away but Andy is still holding his arm around my neck. I quickly decide that it’s not the right thing to do – I move away. Andy says:

‘Did you know that the best place to find out a real smell of someone is at the back of their neck?’

He bowed his head to prove it. I touch his neck and inhale – I like his faint aroma of aftershave, mixed with some lemony smell, and maybe cigarettes. We stare at each other eyes, embarrassed.

Now in Passing Clouds. The bar is packed. There is a supposedly well-known SKA performer on the stage. Ella takes me upstairs, where the other bar is quiter, with a DJ and few sofas placed around. Hippy and sexy.

By the time we order drinks Andy and his mates are here. Wow, he is keen! We all sit down on sofas, Andy squeezes my hand secretly, while chatting to me and Ella. It is still unclear who he actually likes – me or Ella? They often go out for cigarette together, and giggle on the way back. But then now and again he suggests to Ella to go dancing. He then brings himself really close, and asks me questions about the kind of men I like.

I say I am not interested in relationships (although with him I probably wouldn’t mind to have a baby!). He tells me he is a journalist from Liverpool, but lives in north London, and works for the Sun paper, which I laugh at. He then dares to take a picture of me, (in front of Ella), saying I have beautiful eyes and that I look like a kitten... I must be drunk.

Few more drinks later Andy’s friends decide to leave. The music is now really loud. Andy brings the inevitable question (to both of us) - would we like to go to his place? Ella shouts that I’m staying in hers tonight, and that he is welcome to stay at hers too. He agrees and soon we take a taxi back to Ella’s, which Andy generously offers to pay for. Nice guy, I think.

Now in Ella’s flat, everything seems to go really quickly – Ella’s flatmate comes back from a party, and as they have a ‘history’, Ella whispers to me that she is going to spend a night in his room. I’m confused because there is only one room left,with one bed… and Andy is already there under the duvet! I close the door and I’m not brave enough to undress with the light on – he is a stranger after all, plus I have just come out of a long term relationship, and have no idea what to do in these kind of situations. Sensing my hesitation Andy jokes ‘c’mon, do a striptease’. I say ‘you wish’, switching off the light and undressing clumsily. ‘I have no pyjamas’ I state out laud and Andy offers me his purple cashmere jumper. I leave my panties on, naturally.

I slip under the cover; cold but with racing heart. He gently pulls me nearer whispering ‘come here’. We kiss. First time tonight. I don’t fight it.
I think I would have fainted if I wasn’t already lying down.

‘I need to tell you something’ says Andy suddenly. It wasn’t a whisper and for that reason it made me anxious. What is it that he needs to tell me at THIS moment?

‘I kissed Ella…When we were outside having a cigarette.’

I freeze, but I’m also surprised by how unaffected I am by this news. I think about something to say. I try to guess WHY he is telling me this now.

‘What would you like me to do? Go and get her from the other room?? We could swap? Or…’ I say slowly while making dramatic gestures. I realise he can’t see me.

‘No.’ he mutters. I could swear he lowers his eyes and blushes. It’s too dark to be sure.

‘Or... You are confessing, right?’ I dryly start a question, but the ending turns into a statement.

Without answering he sighs, turns towards me and kisses me softly. And I let him. We breathe faster, in the same rhythm. My hands are playing in his lush hair. He brings me on top of him, kisses me and tenderly pulls off his purple jumper from my, now hot, back.
…

To be continued

Serious Porn

I’m going back to 505, if it’s a 7 hour flight or a 45 minute drive,
In my imagination you’re waiting, lying on your side,
With your hands between your thighs

Stop and wait a sec,
Oh when you look at me like that my darling,
What did you expect,
I’ll probably still adore you with your hands around my neck,
Or I did last time I checked

But I crumble completely when you cry,
It seems like once again you’ve had to greet me with goodbye
I’m always just about to go and spoil the surprise
Take my hands off of your eyes too soon

I’m listening to this tune when I get a text from Mr TV Director:

Mr TV Director: Ever thought of starring in a film?
Beautiful but Grumpy: Have you?
Mr TV Director: Ha. I have thought about it.
BbG: And?
Mr TV Director: And didn't go through with it.
BbG: What kind of thing? Porn?
Mr TV Director: Yes
BbG: Ha, ha. You look too serious for porn!
Mr TV Director: Serious porn.
BbG: I could try to film you with the Malaysian (woman/man)
Mr TV Director: Try? You have a camera?
BbG: No, but you must have access, no? Hmm. You got me really excited here. I could write a script (with your help).
Mr TV Director: : ) no access actually! Well, maybe…But I know a director in the business
BbG: But would you let him be involved with you being a main character??
Mr TV Director: Maybe. He makes stuff for the web. But I don't want to be recognised.
BbG: That's another challenge we would need to discuss ;-) who would you like to be a leading female?
Mr TV Director: If you're happy to be filmed, he would be delighted! Er…Fern Cotton.
BbG: She looks like a bird.
Mr TV Director: Yes. I like her! What kind of woman do you like??
BbG: I like BOTH women starring in Mulholland drive.
Mr TV Director: Ok, I've seen them. Classically beautiful!
BbG: You like?
Mr TV Director: But of course! Can you get them?
BbG: Can you get Fern?
Mr TV Director: Er… I'll look for her on facebook.

I'm tempted! I must admit...

And my New Year resolution is to.... learn how to masturbate in a shower and/or toilet. Because tomorrow I'm going to Aberdeen for Christmas (on the coach for 12 hours!) - my flight has been cancelled...

Happy Christmas everyone! xxx

The Master and Margarita

Mr TV Director has proposed to me!

Well, he proposed to become a couple on Gumtree. One needs to start somewhere, I suppose.

We are to advertise for a girl to have fun with. I have just started to investigate the site (which to me, used to be synonymous with exchange of bike parts or used baby pushers) but I'm now looking at the alternative face of Gumtree. There is a whole part on Friends and Dating (just after Pets), with Casual Relationships, Desperately Seeking and Missed Connections sections. I can imagine what Casual Relationships ads would offer, but I’m rather intrigued by the other two romantic sounding sections. I start with Missed Connections and come across this lovely note:

Pretty Female Weds Approx. 11.30PM Stratford Station Central Line To Leytonstone

Hi, you were a young female waiting with your friends on the platform at Stratford for a central line train. I was standing on the platform just a few feet away from you. I think you are a nurse and perhaps you had been out for the evening together with your friends. You were the youngest of your group and I thought you was kinda cute. You were wearing a very small pretty gold heart necklace.

I held the door open and stopped it from closing on one of your friends. How I regret I let you go like that…

Or this one, which shows how lonely people can be in London:

The woman on the crowded Piccadilly tube Friday 5.40pm

We got talking on the platform when the trains were overcrowded and we couldn't get on two trains in a row. We chatted about the Christmas holidays, and I said how unusually friendly you were. I got off at Knightsbridge. You were heading to Gloucester Road. I know you said you're married but I'd love to just be friends with you. I felt a real human connection with you.

Now, back to Casual Relationships and find this intriguing:

Are you a submissive, bisexual or bicurious female? Would you like to be controlled together with another like minded girl? The two of you playing in bed while your master is watching and giving directions.
I make the rules: The two of you kissing, licking and fingering each other. Your aim will be to make the other girl cum first.
The one that wins will have the full attention of the master and the other girl.
The one that loses (i.e., the one that had an orgasm without permission) has to be punished e.g., spanked, covered by hot wax, or stand naked at the corner watching the other girl pleasing the master and learning from her.
This is just one of the games and tasks you will have to complete for your master. If you find this intriguing, reply with your details. As long as my advert is online there will be an available position for you!
Me: 28 years old, good looking, tall, athletic, intelligent guy.
You: 20 to 30 years old, bi-sexual or bi-curious, submissive, open minded girl.

Hmm, I still haven’t found a girl for us. But I now have open eyes.

The second burst

Brick Lane, last Sunday 6pm

It's a second date with Ben (the English teacher). I come out of Aldgate East station and give Ben a call. It's ringing but there is no answer.

I glance at the entrance to the Whitechapel art gallery, where I went yesterday with Gunter, the German artist. The exhibition we saw is still with me - French artist Sophie Calle, sends her lover's break up letter to 107 women to analyse it. The women were chosen for their professions and skills – head hunter, tarot reader, psychiatrist, ballet dancer, and a cook, among many others. Some women sung it, some danced it, and some slept with the letter. Overall, the guy was proclaimed a manipulating seducer, and a self-centred asshole. The female police detective even recommended 'Avoid at all cost'. Admittedly, the letter itself was a beautiful piece of work.

This exhibition brought back memories of the text message Mr TV Director sent me six weeks ago 'I have always been honest with you. I am not seeing anyone else. But I don't want a relationship. I never wanted anything serious. It is probably best if we don't see each other.' I burst in to tears when I read it. His text was a reply to inevitable questions. We couldn't meet up because he was working on a documentary, day and night, for a month…I then started to suspect he was seeing someone else and finally, at the peak of my obsession I texted him 'Dan. Be honest with me. If you are not planning to see me and have met someone else, then tell me so… And I can move on'.

I start walking and look for a quiet bar on Brick Lane. It is freezing, but it doesn't stop Indian restaurants' waiters from standing outside and trying to snatch clients. They are even louder tonight, animated and friendly, to keep warm perhaps.

My mobile rings, it's Ben, he is ahead of me, but is willing to come back to meet me half way. He sounds sweet and affectionate.

We kiss on cheeks at 'hello'. I try to catch his scent. Nothing. We walk in silence for a while. 'This is the one' says Ben pointing at the bar he finds suitable. We walk in, order mojitos and take it to the snug looking sofa, where we sit down, facing each other.

Ben seems melancholic tonight. He asks me about my future plans (again) and questions the little amount of information I revealed about myself on my on-line dating profile. Is he doubtful if I am ready for relationship? Well, I might not be ready, I suspect. Now I stop caring about what he thinks. I like him, but I just want to be myself, and wish he stopped asking about things, I have no answers to.

Now it's my turn to explore if he is right for me! He mentions his father is a doctor. I ask lightly if he is a gynaecologist, and soon feel ready to confess to my fantasies about doctors, dentists and gynaecologists. Ben looks at me with a mixture of surprise and delight, and… gets into a role play. He actually pretends to be a doctor for me! He is good. We look at each other and smile. I turn my head away to hide that I blush, but instantly my face is being pooled up and I feel Ben's warm lips on mine, then his tongue inside my mouth. He is gentle yet he holds me tight. I can smell him now. I breathe in a faint aroma of aftershave. He strokes my chin and cheek, keeps kissing my lips. I search for his hand, stroke inside of his palm, he grips my hand and I push my fingernails inside his, while biting his lip. He gently pulls away, but is still holding me close. We stay like this for the rest of the evening, while whispering memories of our childhoods and past loves.

I could not sleep that night – it must have been the sugar in mojitos.

Non-Linear Relationships

Mr TV Director is 10 years older than me.

He dislikes: eating out, cinema, concerts or sport.
He likes: making successful documentaries about war in Iraq, me visiting him at his flat in Notting Hill.

We still haven't seen each other since we have disagreed on 'fundamentals' two months ago.
But I have received an interesting proposition…

Beautiful but Grumpy: Amuse me – what else do you like if not blow jobs?
Mr TV Director: Anal play, both ways. Watching a woman play with herself. Any woman watching me, even if I don't fancy her.
A pause from me here...
Mr TV Director: So I like the idea of three because of all the watching and being watched.
BbG: So have you found the 3rd party for us yet?
Mr TV Director: Er… Not yet.
BbG: I might be able to get a couple soon.
Mr TV Director: Hmm. You could advertise us as a couple on gumtree.
BbG: Ha, ha. With photos?
Mr TV Director: Not allowed. But people reply with pics and then expect to be sent some.
BbG: You could try but I doubt people would believe us to be a couple.
Mr TV Director: More response to a woman! But I could do it from us both. But then you'd have to give me pics to send on.
BbG: Don't even start that trick with the pics! Ha, ha.
Mr TV Director: Yes. That is another thing that I like. But if not, you will need to send some on yourself.
BbG: You like taking pictures or just receiving?
Mr TV Director: Both good.
BbG: Nice. Are you not interested in what I like?
Mr TV Director: Oh. Do tell.
BbG: I can tell you that I don't like fingers inside me.
Mr TV Director: Oh? Oh!! What DO you like?
BbG: You will find out when you get us a girl.
A pause here - he's not replying.
BbG: …I like being touched the way you did at the Florence and the Machine gig.
Mr TV Director: Hmm. In public too.
BbG: And I like dinner tables. Don't you?
Mr TV Director: Oh yes. During a dinner party. Women only.
BbG: Kitchen tables are my favourite… I would love to be served instead of a desert… Bon appetit.
Mr TV Director: Mmmm, you taste lovely… And as I lick you I have two fingers inside you and one up your virgin bum. Mmm. You must taste me too before we leave the table. Feed on me…

Poetry

To live up to the title of this blog, here is some poetry...

TWICKENHAM GARDEN



BLASTED with sighs, and surrounded with tears,

Hither I come to seek the spring,

And at mine eyes, and at mine ears,

Receive such balms as else cure every thing.

But O ! self-traitor, I do bring

The spider Love, which transubstantiates all,

And can convert manna to gall ;

And that this place may thoroughly be thought

True paradise, I have the serpent brought.



'Twere wholesomer for me that winter did

Benight the glory of this place,

And that a grave frost did forbid

These trees to laugh and mock me to my face ;

But that I may not this disgrace

Endure, nor yet leave loving, Love, let me

Some senseless piece of this place be ;

Make me a mandrake, so I may grow here,

Or a stone fountain weeping out my year.



Hither with crystal phials, lovers, come,

And take my tears, which are love's wine,

And try your mistress' tears at home,

For all are false, that taste not just like mine.

Alas ! hearts do not in eyes shine,

Nor can you more judge women's thoughts by tears,

Than by her shadow what she wears.

O perverse sex, where none is true but she,

Who's therefore true, because her truth kills me.



by John Donne

X and Y

I still wonder why my X brought his date to the Gypsy Moth, where I was enjoying my first date with Ben, last night. It happened by chance, a very small one, considering the number of pubs in London.

I meet Ben in Greenwich, where he lives.

Ben looks lovely – he is tall, blond/ginger, and has a big, warm smile. He tells me about the year he spent in Paris while we walk towards the river, passing huge, shiny Christmas tree. The feel of romance is in the air. We talk about our ideas of social justice and charity work we both do. (I wonder if he will try to kiss me tonight). We both love London, it turns out. Ben was born here.

In the pub now. I check out his great body, and his lovely, small bum from the cosy corner sit, while he is queuing at the bar getting my gin and tonic.

He tells me how much he loves teaching English, the play he saw with his students last night, and his passion for Buddhism.
I try to steer the conversation towards his sexual interests but he is not responding (I keep wondering if he would be up for a 3-some or a visit to Killing Kittens).
In turn, he asks if I was thinking about having children and tells me how much he is missing his ex-girlfriend's dog.
I can't help but imagine us watching a play in National Theatre, while discretely touching each other…
I glance at his handsome face and suddenly realise that he reminds me of someone… Brad Pitt! He even behaves like Brad Pitt – a little doped…
But I DON'T LIKE BRAD PITT! I never liked him. I especially detest the way he talks, his boyish 'charm', and that infantile expression on his face. No!!!

This is then that I notice X and his date, scanning the pub for free seats. I'm so shocked I involuntary tell Ben that my X is here! He stiffens up and politely asks if I wish to hide behind him. I frantically explain that we are best friends, so there is no need to hide, but I also foolishly manage to reveal that we still live together…

We decide to leave, and I already sense that Ben isn't impressed.

He walks me to the station, and I can't stop thinking, that if we were never to see each other again, I would be gutted to have missed the chance of finally seeing ginger pubic hair…

More dirty talk

The veteran of on-line dating, Mr TV Director, is still demanding to meet me. He is trying to find ‘us’ a girl to have fun with, even though he is ‘not into that kind of thing and only doing it to fulfil your fantasy’.

We have only met twice before, but once ended up in bed.

Mr TV Director: Ha, haven’t heard from Kat. But then it has been a long time. I do know someone else… Older (forties), bit bigger than you, pretty Malaysian. Hmm. I didn’t want to see her again, but with you…
Beautiful but Grumpy: Old Malaysian woman… She might be a man! No!
Mr TV Director: I can tell you, she is NOT a man. She’s sex crazed and all woman!
BbG: I’m not convinced you would be able to tell, taking in account how desperate you are.
Mr TV Director: Yes, you have a point.
Oh, you’re being so difficult.
BbG: Some things can be negotiated, other, like fantasies and dreams, shouldn’t.

…….

BbG: Your name is Dan. Do you like it?
Mr TV Director: I prefer my own, but whatever fulfils your fantasy!
BbG: You may be appearing in one of my blog posts. How has your day been?
Mr TV Director: Boring, boring day. I’ve spent most of it trying to find a woman for you. Yours?
BbG: Who would have thought YOU would have a problem with that. Mine’s been good, thanks.
Mr TV Director: Why so good? I’m jealous.
BbG: You’ve got to start a blog! Bloggers can be amusing and refreshing. That’s not what I’ve been doing all day of course!
Mr TV Director: No, you’ve been gathering material?? Are you finished for today?
My plans for this evening have fallen through. But I would go out if there was a good offer.
Are you not out tonight then?
BbG: I might be going out to the local cinema later.
Mr TV Director: Adult cinema? Shame I have no porn to entice you over with.
BbG: No? I’m shocked.
Mr TV Director: Not that into it. Unless watching with someone.
I’m into real life women!
BbG: Shame you are not into REAL women, I might have been interested then.
Mr TV Director: I’ve failed to find you a woman today. If you don’t go to the cinema, we can go for a drink and try to pick one up. And if we fail, we can come back here and watch youporn.
BbG: I can’t. I’m on my period.
Mr TV Director: Well you can watch me and the lucky woman!
BbG: Intriguing but what if I find it so exciting that I won’t be able to resist but join?
Mr TV Director: You can play with yourself and take me in your mouth while I go down on her. Everybody’s happy.
BbG: That’s quite a lot of work you’ve invested just to get a blow job!
Mr TV Director: Actually I’m not a big fun of blow jobs!
BbG: Your face was telling a different story last time we met.
Mr TV Director: It’s all relative!
BbG: Ha! Thank you.

That evening I chose to go to the local cinema…

The return of Mr TV Director

Dan [Mr Tv Director] scarred my soul forever. In the next life, even if I come back as a gazelle, he will be able to recognise me by the scar he's left on my soul.

After not seeing each other for the whole two months, yesterday we got in touch again. It’s probably a mistake. The last time we met was rather disastrous. Our expectations were mismatched. He purely wanted sex (so he kept saying but was giving mixed signals), and I wanted... love.

Nothing has changed, except maybe that I might need to lower my expectations if I wanted to be seeing him.

We are both on Guardian Soulmates and exchange e-mails about latest dating results:

Mr TV Director: The date was, er, interesting. Polish! Barbara. I liked her. I didn't really fancy her, but the strange thing is, I would have slept with her because she had such a remarkable body! Slim legs and small bum, podgy waist, big boobs and big fat face! She got bigger as she went up.

I certainly don't want a relationship with her, but she has aroused my curiosity. She's bisexual and was asking me if I knew any women I could introduce her to!

If the three of us were to meet, wouldn't that be fun?

Beautiful but Grumpy: Sounds good. Was she actually sexy?
Mr TV Director: Not as sexy as you, but yes! I might be able to point you towards some pics.
BbG: Is she good in bed? Confident, imaginative, etc…
Mr TV Director: I guess so but I haven't slept with her!
BbG: You might need to sleep with her first to test her. Otherwise we might have got together, start the fun...and realise she is useless!
Mr TV Director: Ha! If you were with me it's bound to be fun anyway, even if she just watches!
BbG: Is she at least a good kisser? She might not like to watch. Did you ask her?
Mr TV Director: We only had a tiny kiss! It was mostly chat! And no, I didn't ask her that, but I wouldn't be surprised.
The whole idea has me too turned on! I’m sitting here rock hard. Perhaps if you were to drop by, I could give you something to write about.
BbG: Desperation doesn’t taste good.
Mr TV Director: Ha! I’m sure I taste ok…
BbG: I wouldn’t mind if Barbara was a prostitute and there was a bottle of champaign.
Mr TV Director: I can offer you a can of Guinness?
BbG: What about the whore?
Mr TV Director: And just where am I going to get her? We could go for a browse in the pub…
BbG: You are a director! You should be able to get ANYTHING.
Mr TV Director: I suppose I could ask my other Polish friend, Katarina!
BbG: Does she sell her body?
Mr TV Director: Does money HAVE to be involved??
BbG: Mmm. I just want someone professional.
Mr TV Director: I have never slept with Kat, she might not even reply, but she is VERY experienced!
BbG: When is this orgy planned for?
Mr TV Director: I don’t know! Shall I text Kat?? You might not fancy her but she is sexy.
BbG: Sexy is good. But I can’t tonight. I have a dance class. Ask her when she wants it.
Mr TV Director: Ok, I’ll ask! God knows what she’ll say. And if the dance gets your endorphins going… I’m staying in tonight.

X

Last night I caught my X on masturbating. Yes, we still live together. Because I cook really well, that's what he says.

My student neighbours decided to have an xbox karaoke session at 1.30am. I woke up and dragged myself out of bed to tell X to either go and speak to them (which I was sure he wouldn't do as he's not a confrontational type whatsoever) or in the old fashion way, bang on the ceiling (we still divide household responsibilities, and 'disturbances' fall under his umbrella, although he's never actually resolved any).

We haven't yet got into habit of knocking on each other's doors, so I just walked into his room, where I found him in compromising position. To try to minimise the embarrassment I still managed to ask him to deal with the neighbours, but had to make it short, and run to my bedroom to have a laugh!

Funnily enough, he spent all evening looking through Plenty of Fish … I had a glance over his shoulder, and noticed that girls there use much more daring pictures than 'ladies' on Soulmates. Hmm.

Dating
This week I have an invite to the East End gallery from Gunter, South African artist, and I'm exchanging e-mails with a very cute and tall (hurray) teacher, Ben from Greenwich. I will see how these will develop and possibly agree to dates with both, not at the same time of course. Although that could be a lot of fun.

Spooky James [Mr Monkey Media] has been e-mailing me since our last meeting, and surely the next mail will include a date invitation, but I still haven't decided if I should see him again because of the bear toy, anal sex stories, etc.

La dolce vita!

Oh and i'm a great kisser [Mr I_like_swans123]

As voted positively by fellow Bloggers (or rather a Blogger/Follower) I promised to give I_like_swans123 a chance, but I had a glance at his profile again and found this:

Why should you get to know I_like_swans123?

You can tell a lot about someone by what they like and dislike in others. Well I like goodness, humour, warmth, knowing, intelligence, a wild spirit, and a naughty side. What I don’t like is ugliness ( inner), fear, anger, lack of careful thought, and no emotional intelligence.

Why me? Because I am loving, sexy, sweet, warm, intelligent and very funny. I am passionate and emotional and thrive on intimacy. I am fairly balanced but always working on myself and I'm very funny.

I can be very serious, but my general attitude to life is optimistic and positive. I love being silly for laughs but crave deep intense conversation too. I am ambitious but will always have time for the right person and a loving relationship. Oh and i'm a great kisser.
If any of this resinates with you give me a call, if not good luck in your search.

He describes his ideal match thus:

You are a whole human being, with weaknesses and strengths, undamaged but not unaffected.

You are not afraid of intimacy and open and honest conversation and you are looking for the same in me. You are willing to put hard work into the relationship and solve problems to develop friendship and love.

You are cool, outgoing and have a sense of humor. You are reflective and intellectual and open to constant challenging of your map of the world. You seek spiritual growth (of the non-religious sort) and you believe in consciousness at a higher level. You know yourself and your emotions. Allthough these abilities require some degree of self-absorbtion, I am by no means interested in egocentric people. You dont clean your car on Sundays and you love animals..

Shall we have another voting session please?

A man with a past [Mr Monkey Media]

If I was treating this date as a test, James would fail in ethics and I would get unsatisfactory in carefreeness.

7.45pm Leicester Square (3 days ago)

I'm nervously looking around for any free access to Odeon Leicester Square, where preparations to the film premiere are taking place. No one is allowed near the building. How am I going to meet James here? I wonder.

His profile mentioned he thrives on challenge. Could he possibly have set me one tonight? Is it an experiment?

My mind is quickly scanning all the information I have about him. He is much older than me at 41, born in London but lived in Hamburg for past 5 years, where he has left his long term partner, and a child. He owns a media company and expresses interest in women who are 'a little carefree and wish to grow and communicate'. James uses a pseudonym of David Lynch, which brought us together, as I'm a big fan of the director. Then the mail with his poem followed. I enjoy poetry but this one somehow failed to engage me.

It's already 7.55pm, I text James to say that it will be difficult to meet. He texts back suggesting meeting in All Bar One next to it. But All Bar One is next to Odeon West End and not Leicester Square! We meet at the bar. I'm not impressed with his mistake, which I'm not prepared to hide, and instead of '’Hello'’ say '’I hate you'’. He laughs and asks what I want to drink.

He looks good for his age and he knows he is attractive. We talk about David Lynch for a while. I can't quite place James's accent. He says its south London, Croydon. He may well sound like a gangster, if it wasn't for 'big' words plunged occasionally. He drinks fast; talks a lot, mainly about himself.

His media company turns out to be a magazine specialising in boat design. Hmmm. Here is where the name dropping starts. James met Abramovich.

‘’I couldn’t believe how vulnerable he came across. Like a lost child. I just didn't want to sell him anything. I think he respected me for that’’.

James now goes out for cigarette every 10 minutes. He is excited and tells me he feels he can trust me. '’That's easy because I'm a good person and it shows. Can I trust you though?'’ I ask. He smiles and suddenly becomes serious '’No. I can't even trust myself. There is a lot of darkness in me'’. I then remember his profile’s response to the question 'Do you take drugs' being 'Not anymore'. I wonder if that is true.

One thing is on my mind now – how can I escape? James, sensing it, asks if I feel that there is 'more than what we see' and if I believed in signs. Without waiting for my reply he swiftly takes out something from his pocket. It's a small toy – Grey Bear carrying an even smaller, white rabbit in its arms. '’I've found it on the underground, on my way to meet you’', he says looking into my eyes. I exhale and slowly pronounce '’I am not prepared to be that bear’'. He mumbles something and goes out for a cigarette, leaving me with the bear staring from the table.

Finally he’s back and seeing the bear still on the counter, snatches the toy. There is an awkward moment of silence.

'’Some call me delusional'’ he reveals without looking at me. I can now agree with that but out of pity say

'’They might call you that, but in the end, it will be you who might succeed in something great, because you had a vision’'. He loves it and feels encouraged to tell me more.

He begins a monologue about having sex with his German ex-girlfriend after their break up and how he introduced her to anal sex. '’I made her do it with me all the time, knowing I was going back to England soon, as if to fill myself up’'. I feel sick.

'’Let's go’', I say, ‘'I need to be early at work tomorrow’'.

We are approaching Piccadilly line, going opposite directions, when James whispers '’I want you to have this bear’'. '’You found it, you keep it'’ I say quickly. He kisses me on the cheek and jumps on the train without looking back.

81.5% of Mr I_like_swans123

Being in a playful mood, I replied to Mr I_like_swans123 last night...

BBG: Well, we are only 81.5 % match Mac! Do you think it's enough?

Mr I_like_swans123: Mmmm interesting question. When I did my degree and masters 81.5% would have got me a first, so yes enough. If i got a wage rise of 81.5% i'd be very happy, so again enough. If i made you laugh 81.5% of the time, you would indeed think it was enough. And imagine if we were really happy together 81.5% of the time. I think you know where i'm going with this one. So take an 81.5% chance and contact me.......

What about your wig?? I feel like asking...

I wish I had voting buttons here to let fellow bloggers/Followers decide what I could do next... That would be fun!

Did he lie about his height? [Mr Cameraman]

My Guardian Soulmates profile attracts attention.

Some stats… I am being viewed 40 to 60 times per week, and I'm gaining (on average) 1.5 Fan a day ('Fan' means someone, who declares full interest in you, and usually follows with an e-mail).

Well, Mr Cameraman is one of my Fans.

His e-mails are uncomfortably long with constant references to what he had for dinner, and how sleepy he is feeling after eating it… followed by xx. Does it mean that he only feels like snogging after eating, because he doesn't put xx anywhere else in the text?

Well, Mr Cameraman is half Italian and rather handsome, so I've decided to give it a go.

The Date – last Tuesday, 7.30pm

I chose for us to meet in café 1001 on Brick Lane. Upstairs is usually quiet and dim.

We pick bottled Budweiser.

Just before we sat down I noticed that Mr Camaraman was significantly shorter than me. Did he lie about his height? I wondered. I did specifically state in my 'ideal man' spec that I liked my men taller than 5f9. Is that too much to ask?

The small talk wasn't going well. It resembled holding an annual objectives review.

I then offered to get another drink but he whispered, ''Let me surprise you'', with the look of someone who was going to bring me a young, live bear, or a butterfly cupped in his hands. But no, Mr Cameraman came back with two bottles of Corona.

I have no idea why I agreed to move to another, quieter bar. I think I wanted to hide the fact it wasn't a great date.

We finally find something we have in common – chocolate! This seems to bring us closer temporarily. We are sitting on the sofa when I say ''I can see you are trying for a kiss, but I just don't kiss on the first date'', I lied. Mr Cameraman looks at me as if I burped. He quickly composes himself ''You don't have it written on your forehead, you know''.

He then says I was more beautiful than on my profile photo and that he was bullied at school. It did not make me change my mind about kissing.

On the way to the Liverpool Street station I instinctively reached for his hand (being veteran of long term relationships). That was a mistake, but I didn't have guts to take it back. He is now trying again for a kiss. I pretended not to notice and run towards the entrance of the station, waving.

Mr Cameraman texted me the next day, asking for another date and offering leftovers of chocolates he brought for me from shooting Terry's advert. I'm tempted…but quickly remembered the height issue, and decided to stick to my one and only requirement.

Mr I_like_swans123

So many date offers - so little time...

It certainly makes it easier to decide whom to date when you come across a guy who calls himself I_like_swans123 (I find it hard to believe that he couldn't register this name without adding numbers...)

His profile photo shows that he might be wearing a wig... but he is definitely wearing an 80's shell suit.

Here is what he wrote to me today, bless:

Hey there, I’ve noticed you’ve not added me to your favourites which is regretable but maybe understandable. You may well have already met someone, or you don’t think im a good match. You may be waiting to see what I do next, which to be fair is an attractive woman’s prerogative, and an option I favour, or you might be to contact me, another one I really like. infact there are a number of options. What would be nice though, and certainly in the spirit of Soulmates, is to tell me where you are at. Cheers Mac

4-some, outside, filmed or I want to be loved [Mr TV Director]

In normal circumstances, you would consider a man, who sends you 48 text messages in few hours, to be possessed. But when Mr TV Director did exactly that on Saturday afternoon (the weekend he was leaving for Cuba, remember?) I considered it perfectly alright, taking in the account he was going away for three weeks for work, and obviously he wanted to be remembered! Especially, that we were yet to meet on his return…

The texting plot being that Mr TV Director desperately tries to convince me to forward him my rude photos.

Mr TV Director: Oh good, you have one of those mobile phone devices. That means you can take your own revealing pics to text me. Dan

Beautiful but Grumpy: Oh no, not the rude-picture-beggar again! I'm just about to play some tennis…but then I will be all sweaty and that might inspire me to photograph myself, who knows… But under one condition – write a poem for me!

Mr TV Director: Oh perfect, yes, I like sweaty! Maria Maria have some heart, er, send me a pic as quick as a tick.

BBG: Try harder.

Mr TV Director: Maria, Maria, get your knickers off. Down with the bourgeoisie, oi oi oi. Maria, Maria, get your knickers off. Come and be Volga with me.

BBG: Mmm, don't give up your day job... I know, dedicate your Cuba film to me!

Mr TV Director: Ok it's a deal. The program is dedicated to you.

BBG: Wow, thanks! But you wouldn't be able to tell if I've sent you a photo of my arm but lied that it was my sexy thigh…

Mr TV Director: No, you're right. That would be interesting to put to the test. I would look out for a glimpse of breast, or of knickers.

BBG: I will make sure I leave some underarm hair for your excitement.

Mr TV Director: Oh you're mean. You should have a shave for me. A trim, at least.
And how are you going to disguise your breasts?

BBG: They are small (but firm). I would stand far away so you wouldn't be able to actually see them…

Mr TV Director: Small and firm sounds perfect. (Although naturally I'm large and firm myself…) Who wants big floppy breasts?

BBG: Hmmm. Are you married? You are sexy and intelligent – you must be. Or have you been with a guy before?

Mr TV Director: Married? No, no.
I've stripped off and been watched by a guy. I had a fantasy about showing myself off like that. Exhibitionist I suppose. But not into contact with a guy.

BBG: It's great to have fantasies fulfilled. I had mine come true recently…

Mr TV Director: What were they?

BBG: 4-some, outside, filmed.

Mr TV Director: Oh, cool. Wish I could see it! I'd like to film too. And be filmed, maybe. I've been offered work in porn but didn't do it.

BBG: It wasn't porn as such – my girlfriend shot it on a small photo-camera. It was this summer, on my b/day, in north of Spain. Guys kissed too, which was fun.
You sure you wouldn't want to do that kind of thing involving men too?

Mr TV Director: I don't like the taste and smell of men. Why? Would you like to watch? I've been with a couple but no contact with the guy. And I've had guys watch, touch and taste me. I only like the watching.

Oh no! He was turning into this character from 'Little children', the pervy guy, who you hoped was actually a nice person and just misunderstood by society, but once you gave him trust, he turns out to be a very sick man…

Mr TV Director: Women are just more sexy!

Ah, there is hope! Just to second check I asked…

BBG: Are you sure? Don't you have an ideal when it comes to guys?

Mr TV Director: There was some good-looking mythical young guy. But I think he has a small cock!

Or maybe not…

BBG: Oh, small one would be good to go into my arse – do you have his number because I need him to take my bum-virginity!

Ufff, I was getting angry (and provocative).

Mr TV Director: I'm a virgin in that respect too. Because of women like you who can't take it! Shame. So we want a young Apollo who can fuck us both up the arse in turn! Then you can both suck me together. Hmm.

I've got to stop this - I tell myself - he prefers men!

BBG: This conversation is becoming monotonous.. I better go back to the dinner party.

I cooled off a little and because I actually liked him, I decided to tell him what it was that I wanted.

BBG: The issue is that I want to be loved. And I want everyone (and everything) to be secondary.

Mr TV Director: I know. Of course. I'm just in the mood for enjoying the everything else at the moment.

I wish I knew then, that he really meant that last sentence and I really meant my last note too.

There were few more texts, containing mixture of poetry and pornography, exchanged that evening.

…..

The next morning…

Mr TV Director: Bye Maria! Look forward to catching up soon! x

BBG: According to your text messages you slept with me last night. So... how was it?
Was I any good? :-)

Mr TV Director: Oh Maria, you were great!

Send me your naughty pics [Mr TV Director]

I started to disturb Mr TV Director one Thursday afternoon, when I found out I didn't get the job I really wanted, because I spoke Russian instead of Portuguese. I thought, right, I might have not got that job but at least I might get some flirting, if I'm lucky. Besides, Mr TV Director actually asked to be distracted.

Beautiful but Grumpy: Hi! Ready to disturb a little… What am I disturbing at, anyway?

Mr TV Director: You bad, bad woman! I'm trying to work! Next you'll be sending me naughty pics!

BBG: I can see you are trying your luck! I'm sure you have plenty in your existing collection - just cut out heads and change for Paris Hilton, puppies and kittens. What are you working on?

Mr TV Director: That's quite a good idea, but it's just not the same. I'm going away for work at the weekend, so just getting ready for that. But I'm feeling lazy. You?

BBG: Searching for guitars on internet... Are you going anywhere interesting and warm?

Mr TV Director: Both. Cuba. Guitars? Not men?

BBG: I have you, don't I? Hoping to meet Buena Vista Social Club?

Mr TV Director: Oh yes, me. I'm yours. All yours.And no, not more of that bloody social club! Climate change and hurricanes. x

BBG: Are you scientist?

Mr TV Director: Why? Because I want to study your body? No, TV Director.

BBG: I like your surname..

Mr TV Director: I find yours... disturbing.

BBG: I'm sorry...

Mr TV Director: That's OK. But it has left me feeling rather shaken. Hopefully you'll make up for it in other ways...

BBG: At the moment I can only disturb you more.. unless you want me to stop?

Mr TV Director: The more disturbing the better. Shock me, you're on a roll. I'm a glutton for punishment.

BBG: I don't think I can go beyond teenage shoplifting but that was something you've already guessed..

Mr TV Director: I'm sure other vices have developed since then. I have a bagload. Laziness, aloofness, selfishness, abstinence, and the usual sexual perversions.

BBG: In Germany these would be ideal to put on your CV!

Mr TV Director: So I presume England has drawn you because it suits your own vices. Hmm.

BBG: Yes? What do YOU think?

Mr TV Director: Hmm. The one vice that I recommend you cultivating is a perverse interest in older men that you come across on the internet, particularly those who live in Notting Hill with pleasant surnames. This can be viewed as a very British vice, as it can lead to nothing but misery and yet is to be embraced with good humour and a stiff upper lip.

BBG: This must be it - I have only recently developed a 'taste' for older men, but I haven't had a chance to 'consume' any… Have you just woken up?

Mr TV Director: Just woken up? No no. Hard at work. Well, at work.
Come, explore. Taste me. Consume.

BBG: Ok.... I might just do that. Might need to meet you in a public place first to see if you haven't got any visible psychotic conditions :-)

Mr TV Director: Thankfully, my psychotic conditions aren't visible. I'm going away this weekend for a few weeks, for work. So plenty of time to consider a location. Send me another pic or two to see me on my way. Oh go on. x

Strangers, or not anymore? By that point I was so turned on that I could tell that my face was burning, eyes were glassy, and my thighs were so hot I had to un-do them from being crossed. I heard my boss’s voice from behind. He was looking at my face suspiciously. Oh Scheisse! I managed to press a button making the naughty conversation disappear... leaving my computer screen showing the newest Gibson acoustic.

A day in the life of TV Director

I was hunted down by a veteran of on-line dating, MR TV DIRECTOR, as soon as I put my foot (naked one with blood-red toe nails) in the door of Guardian Soulmates portal:

Mr TV Director: Well, I certainly am taller than you. And I saw it on telly this weekend that really height is all a woman is looking for in a man - something to do with picking berries and fighting tigers - so surely worth a go...

His pictures were hidden and profile read: ' Tall, lovely male looking for someone dead sexy, who used to shoplift as teenager. Neither drippy nor dippy. Mod not hippy'. Intriguing, I thought.

Beautiful but Grumpy: Tall and a socialist.. you certainly tick all the boxes! Do you have a photo to top this ideal up? :-)

Mr TV Director: Oh, and I have so many other wonderful attributes too. (I'll let you know once I've had a think.) You can see me already, Maria dear. Just click on that thing that says private pics.

BBG: Why do you think its Maria and not Anna? Doesn't Anna go with teenage shoplifting more?

Mr TV Director: Does it? Do you think? Neither sound dippy or drippy. But, to me, Anna is the innocent side of you. And so it's Maria whom I address. Bad, bad Maria... Dan x

BBG: he, he. Have a really good day Dan- the-part-time-psychotherapist.. A/M

Mr TV Director: I'll try. And you too. I'm working but would love to be distracted. (private e-mail and mobile number added). Dan x

BBG: I'll see what I can do..

Ha, I thought, a real man! Sexy and intelligent. What a treat after a waterfall of mails like this one, from CHIRPYCHAPPY:

Please have a look at my profile and let me know what you think.
If you don't, well it will be another lonely night with a bottle of whisky and a packet of pork scratchings.

How to escape Facebook stalker

Joining an on-line dating site was a reaction to being e-stalked on Facebook. I simply quitted Facebook one Bank Holiday Monday, and few hours later, after trying to live my life in pre-internet fashion, I realised I couldn't do it, and that I still needed an addiction. Yes, I know I could have just blocked the stalker, but taking in account his intelligence and perseverance, and my growing boredom with social sites, something fresh and exciting needed to be injected into my London life.

That was two weeks ago...

Now, I have my profile on Guardian Soulmates. As soon as I add a photo of close up of my face, I received an e-mail from someone who called himself Matisse241. His profile said he was 55 years old, although on his photo 'Matisse' was still in his early forties. I looked at his profile again and noticed more pictures, this time these were pencil drawings of women - all shapes, ages, colour - naked. Few e-mails later and Matisse241 invited me to a life drawing class... as a model.
I have a feeling, that on-line dating will become the best entertainment around...