Give me something to remember you by, Mr TV Director



Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi



My intuition does not fail me often. 

Hearing from Mr TV Director warms my heart temporarily - precisely until I am reminded how aloof and selfish he can be.

Here is how the text conversation goes:

Beautiful but Grumpy:  Hey, you were in my dream few days ago so just checking if you’re alright.

Mr TV Director: Oh? Did something awful happen?? I am fine.  And in Nigeria for a couple of weeks.

BbG: Nothing really. Just that in my dream I saw you coming back home after a voice cords operation. Let me know when you're back.

............. Two weeks later............

Mr TV Director: Hi. I’m back. Away again tomorrow for a week, but just to Bristol. Free this evening though.

BbG: I’ve got meetings till 9.30 tonight.

Mr TV Director: Is after that too late? Otherwise one evening next week maybe.

BbG: Well, 9.30 is not too late for a drink but too late for anything else.

Mr TV Director: Well it would be a shame to have anything else ruled out, even if one can’t presume...

BbG: I agree J next week then?

Mr TV Director: Ok!

BbG: Please remind me next week in case I forget...

Mr TV Director: In case you forget!? :O

BbG: Yeah! J

Mr TV Director: OK!

............A week later.............

Mr TV Director: Hello.

BbG: Hello J

Mr TV Director: It’s this week!

BbG: Oh, yes. Of course. Totally forgotten! So when are you free?

Mr TV Director: Any evening. I think. You forget too bloody easily!

BbG: Hopefully this time you will give me something to remember. I can do Friday. Actually i need both something to remember and something to write about. Can you do that?

Mr TV Director: To write about?? Not sure about Thur or Friday but an evening after work?

BbG: I can only do Friday this week. Well, see how your plans develop and let me know. Have a nice week! X

I sense my obsession with Mr TV Director is officially over. We can be friends now. 
Or lovers. Or both.

Past Perfect

Photo: Hakan Celebi

I sense a come-back theme in the air. People from the past are making their way back into my life.

Vera for example, a holiday 4-some playmate, with whom I lost touch a year ago, turns up unexpectedly at my firm’s event.
I see her standing at the conference room’s door, minutes before I am to deliver a presentation. Our eyes meet. I take a deep breath and walk slowly towards her. I take her by the arm and discreetly lead her aside.

‘What are you doing here?’ I whisper.

‘I was going to ask you the same question’ she answers looking confused but happy to see me.

Vera explains quietly that she’s got through the graduate recruiting programme, having finished a demanding Masters at Imperial. She’s only just noticed my name on the event’s invitation.

I realise I’m still holding her by the arm. I let go.

She looks slender. Her golden hair is even longer now, making her look attractive in a grown-up sort of way. There is a wave of new confidence in her mannerism. It suits her.

‘Catch up afterwards?’ she asks meekly and touches my hand.

I glance at her face to guess if she’s just being friendly. I will need to tell her about Adam-the-Boss, and most importantly, that I’ve stopped experimenting with women.
‘Sure Vera. But now wish me luck’ I smile and make my way to the podium.

Last night's dream

Nothing matters anymore. Everything has lost meaning.

I'm back from a party. The oven clock shows 4am. I sip red wine in the kitchen and think about my life again. Somehow, it means even less than it meant in the morning.

In the morning I felt nothing anyway.

I remember last night’s dreams:

I see myself flying a small airplane with my ex-boyfriend. In circles. Repeating the journey over and over again.

My mother tells me off, a front of everyone, until I finally rebel and ask her to shut up.

Adam-the-Boss reveals I need to wait ten months…

I want to pull your knickers to one side

Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi


Beautiful but Grumpy: Dear Boss. Miss Secretary is going away for a week. She will still have a pen ready if notes are to be taken.

The Boss: You’re always going away. I dread to think what will be added to that sex blog of yours ;)

BbG: Actually, I need someone to post when I’m away.

The Boss: OK but I refuse to load up any jpegs. Where are you going?

BbG: I’m off to Gdansk to spend some time at seaside. You won’t understand since you spend all your time that way.

The Boss: Well have a lovely time. In.. in.. where? Gdansk? I do wish you’d stop making things up.

BbG: ha, ha. Not making things up J

The Boss: I want to pull your knickers to one side and taste you. Then I want to kiss your mouth.

BbG: I want that too. And while you are kissing me I want to push my hips until I feel you hard and pulsating.

The Boss: Oooh.. now you’re talking.

BbG: Adam…

The Boss: I want to finger fuck you until you cum over my hand.

BbG: I would come instantly

The Boss: I just want to slowly push two fingers inside you, making you shudder as I play with you.

BbG: you’ve just made me cum. It was hard to keep quiet.

The Boss: Mmm… I like that. Now you just need your neck caressing and kissed and you’d have a nice night’s sleep J

…..

The next morning…

BbG: Fell asleep showered with affection. Thank you. Have a lovely Friday J

The Boss: I’ve just woken up and I’m imagining you playing with yourself. Now I’m the one turn on.

BbG: Imagine that I’m really close, that you can feel my warmth.

The Boss: Waaay ahead of you ;)

BbG: Congratulations ;)

A single man




Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi

 

Single, mature men are lost in the delicate web of modern relationships.

I met Reece over a year ago at a mask ball. For a stock market trader he proved to be an imaginative and sensitive lover. We were in touch. Nothing else.

And again, Reece’s text arrives when I am in France.

Reece: Hi M, Reece here. Are you around later? No idea how things will pan out as have to meet some friends at some posh gathering but I may be able to sneak off later.

The weather in Chamonix is sunny and warm. I notice Alpine flowers in the grass and think about what I really want from life, from men and from myself.  And finally I feel ready to tell him what I think about his casual way of asking me ‘out’.

Beautiful but Grumpy: No, I’m not around. Have you maybe mistaken me for a whore?

Reece: Haha, that’s a good response! I was thinking more along the lines of something to eat, but, erm, there you go

……

The next morning…

Reece: And how is the hooker feeling this morning? Used and abused?

BbG: Definitely used – in Chamonix, climbed Mt Blanc (with a fractured leg), flying back tonight. And how was the posh gathering?

Reece: Posh gathering was predictably poor…fractured leg up mt blanc sounds painful

BbG: But it’s an achievement! Well, next time take a whore to entertain you.

Reece: Maybe I should! I’ll check your rates next time and see if I can afford it

I pick up my crutches from the bench and furiously start walking until I feel exhausted.
I collapse on the hotel bed.
The leg is aching.
But not as much as my heart. 

Haribo and masturbation



Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi

 
London was a chaos last week. Anarchy on the streets. Theft, fire, and violence.

It brings to mind the old question: “ How would you spend your last minutes knowing the world is ending?” People often answer ‘having sex’. Really, I ask? How easy would it be to find someone to have sex with, right there, on the spot.

For me, this idea evokes even stronger desire to get together with my comedian lover, Adam-the-Boss. So I try to sense if he’s still busy with work, or if we could soon merge in wild love-making:

Beautiful but Grumpy: It’s so hard to work from home. How do you do it??

The Boss: Haribo and masturbation x

BbG: Perfect title for a song. I’m on Nutella. Not so easy to masturbate with a broken leg tho. X

The Boss: Broken leg? God, how did you do that? My turn to business travel now – off to LA! X

BbG: How long for, you lucky thing? I’ve never been (take me with you!) Nothing serious – broken fibula (looking sexy on crutches). Hit by a rolling stone on the way to Mt Blanc but made it to the top! X

The Boss: ouch. Sounds painful. Rest up and heal. X

BbG: Thanks. Have fun in LA (don’t forget your sunblock) x

I stare at my broken leg resting comfortably on the bed frame.

Do I really look sexy on crutches? Why did I need to tell him about the leg?  He is so busy, and the trip to LA must be for a film pitch. Last thing he needs is to be troubled by the outcomes of my risky sports adventures. I add another pillow to support my sore ankle.

God, what if he actually becomes famous? He probably would have even less time for me… It would be great to see him succeed though. He’s so talented and hard working. I lay in bed, with my miserable broken leg, imagining all the fun that fame could bring.

Condoms, presents and Beyonce at Glastonbury



Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi


I'm temporarily renting a room in the historical part of London, and my new lover Adam (aka the Boss, a comedian) has met my Landlady. She is a retired actress. She still sings and plays banjo.

Adam-the-Boss texts me the day after staying overnight at mine:

The Boss: Hi Miss Secretary. Now you have pointed out that sunspot it stares me in the face when I look in a mirror. Shall I wear a mask? X

Beautiful but Grumpy: A diving bell… My Landlady has just sat me down for a talk on contraceptives. It’s all your fault!

The Boss: What??? What did she say? That’s funny. You’ve got a substitute mum/grandma.

BbG: More of a grandma. She suggested using some gels on top of condoms. You cannot imagine how hard it was to keep a straight face.

The Boss: oh.. my.. God. She must have heard us and presumed you were in pain! Either that or she owns shares in gel company and she wants you to invest :)

BbG: :) I suspect she’d heard us. What if she offers me her own gel?

The Boss: What if her husband offers me his condoms?

BbG: He clearly does not use any – 3 children with fellow band members…

The Boss: I’d get an extra lock on my door if I were you.

BbG: Well, funny you must say that – yesterday 3 of us sung together (Landlady played banjo). Today he bought me a present…

The Boss: What did he give you? Was it a discount off another one of his paintings? A cloth hat?

BbG: Well, he told me he’d bought a book for me but he hasn’t given it to me yet. I think he forgot. And I’m too shy to ask!

The Boss: Oh yes, the old ‘Oh, I forgot to give you your book’ knock on your bedroom door at midnight. Don’t answer in that sexy shirt/knicker combo!

BbG: You liked it? In that case I’ll only answer the door wearing leather jacket and lots of eye make up to put him off. How are you?

The Boss: I’m good, thanks. Watching Beyonce at Glastonbury.

BbG: I’m surprised you haven’t made it there to see her in person.

The Boss: I would only distract her. She’d forget her words.

BbG: :) I like her. She’s a good dancer.

The Boss: Yeah, she’s pretty awesome. She must do a hot waltz.

BbG: Just imagine that foxtrot that you could impress her with.

The Boss: Her hair would get in my face to much. I’d have to decline.

BbG: :) good

It will be interesting having Adam-the-Boss coming over again and my Landlady poking around. Last time he was at mine she said, before heading to bed “Well, I assume I will see you at breakfast then”. “If you don’t get kicked out” she added quietly, and ostentatiously turned towards the large staircase, that led to her opulently decorated bedroom.

Spread your legs, or Miss Secretary meets her Boss

And it happened.

I throw myself on the bed. Adam squeezes my bum.

‘Aaah’ he whispers and stares at it for a while.

Then he quickly takes my silk panties off and begins to kiss me between legs.

‘Spread your legs’ I hear him say. I spread them wide open and lose myself in pleasure.

‘You’ve got a nice body’ I complement my new lover while touching his muscular legs.

‘I eat crisps’ he replies.

‘Don’t make me laugh - I can’t be aggressive’ I giggle and greedily kiss his neck.

I lay in Adam’s arms under a dim light. Silence. He gently caresses my back. 

‘You’ve found an imperfection?’ I ask quietly.

‘No’ he whispers, now caressing my neck ‘it’s ALL perfect’ he adds with slightly trembling voice. I beam with pleasure and hold on to him tighter.

‘Why don’t we see each other more often?’ I drop surprising both of us.
‘What?’ he asks and lifts himself off the pillow. ‘I didn’t want a relationship. My career has finally picked up and I just didn’t want a responsibility. But then again, you are independent and have a busy job...’ I freeze. ‘And I DO want to keep seeing my secretary. I do...’ he adds enthusiastically and tries to hug me while I'm involuntary pulling away. Adam tries to hold me back. 
‘Ah, it’s all ruined now...’ I hear him say from behind my shoulder.

I switch off the light.

We lay in silent darkness. Suddenly I hear Adam drawing a deep breath. He slowly turns me towards him, cuddles me, caresses my chin and then gently cups my face in his palms. I feel warmth of his body when he kisses me, for what seems like, a very long time.

A text comes the next day:
Adam: I forgot to say I met your Malaysian housemate on the kitchen stairs this morning. I think he thought I was a burglar.

Notes



Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi


I've had my date with a comedian called Adam (aka the Boss) and I am dying to tell you all about it. But in the meantime I will share a last-minute conversation we had a day before our date:

Beautiful but Grumpy: Hello Boss. Here are the details of your conference: Address. Dress code: smart casual. What food do you fancy? There is so much choice here (no 7 courses please - I want you in my bed  asap). Your Secretary x


The Boss: Miss Secretary. Thank you for the information - very efficient as usual! I have a small request in that I have to dine with my agent at 6.30, so rather than a meal could we go for drinks? I can be with you for 8.30. x

BbG: 8.30 is fine (although I thought I was your agent) x

The Boss: Agent is work only. Secretary is my very helpful assistant who I allow to get personal with. Actually, Miss Secretary I have some notes for you. Do you have a pen?

BbG: Yes my Boss...

The Boss: OK good. Notes are as follows...

The Boss: I want to fuck your mouth, your pussy, and your ass. End of notes.

The beginning

Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi


Sometimes we just can't imagine how honesty can change the reality.

The Boss: Oh miss! My sister is coming to Brighton at the weekend and I have to meet her early Saturday morning. Can we postpone our Friday conference for another time? Sorry!x

I lay on my bed and think of what to reply. I should tell him to go to hell but my heart sinks. It meant so much to finally see him again.

Beautiful but Grumpy: Oh, I was really looking forward to seeing you. You’ll need to make it up to me big time!
The Boss: I know, sorry – family an all that. I will definitely make it up to you. I will save up all my energy so I will be like a sex dynamo!
BbG: Oh and what should I do with this freshly waxed Brazilian? Keep in on ice?
The Boss: Oh man... (heart skips beat).. actually, ice cubes + my mouth + your Brazilian would be something to write about.

BbG: Didn’t know you were good at maths... Ok, I forgive you this time. Have a great weekend x

15 min later...

The Boss: Stop Press! My sister got her stupid times wrong (she’s coming to Brighton via France, you see). She won’t be here till Saturday eve so your boss can still make Friday after all. Is that Brazillian still smooth?
BbG: I can’t make it this Friday – I’ve jumped out of the window, you see.
The Boss: Ok, but you must still be alive in order to send this text. All I need is a pulse and I can do the rest.
BbG: What if I had no nose? Would you still go ahead?
The Boss: You’ve got a dimmer on your light switch haven’t you?
BbG: You animal! What if I was making very strange noise (as a result of this accident, of course)?The Boss: I’d probably be breathing heavier.
BbG: What if I only had a head and the rest would be a machine [an unattractive machine (and no nose)...]?
The Boss:  A double whisky and coke and i’m good to go.
BbG:  You bustard!
The Boss: I think it’s romantic.
BbG: Sorry, have I spelled ‘bustard’ right?
The Boss: yeah, that’s the way Queen says it.
BbG: So you think it’s romantic to shag a human vegetable?
The Boss: I’d bring a rose.
BbG: And a nose!
The Boss: Miss secretary is getting very sarcastic. I think she needs a good dressing down. Even if she is just wires.
BbG: Ok, I admit, it’s romantic...
The Boss: There, that’s better.
BbG: Don’t patronise me!
The Boss: I tell you what, miss secretary, I’ve a good mind to stick my hand up your skirt for that sort of remark.
BbG: Luckily I’m wearing a polka dot skirt right now...laying on my bed...
The Boss: Well then I’d stick my hand up that polka dot skirt, pull your knickers to one side and roughly finger you to teach you a lesson.
BbG: And then I would roughly hand-job you (because I know you don’t like it).
The Boss: Ouch!
BbG: That wouldn’t make me stop. Oh no.
The Boss: I’d be the one jumping out of the window.
BbG: And we would live happily ever after.
The Boss: The End.
BbG: Not a beginning?
The Boss: We’re only just beginning. Why do I have a desire to stand you up and tongue you from behind? explain that.
BbG: Was there a song like this?
The Boss: Oh yeah. I think it was Kylie and Jason?
BbG: And look what happened to them.
The Boss: They had some good times though. And Kylie used to like having a hand up her skirt so I heard.
BbG: I’ll take it as a good omen.

The return of The Boss

Do may remember this really lovely comedian called Adam? We met few months ago at a costume party and had this little sexy Boss-Secretary game going on... I couldn't wait any longer for his move and as I was walking around London I came across something strangely funny. Not thinking twice I've sent him the pic with the following message:

Beautiful but Grumpy: Hey, guess what this might be...

The Boss: An antique sex toy?

BbG: It’s called Boutique Bug Hotel. I think the address can be found in the phonebook... Hope you are well and work is good?

The Boss: Yes, I’m good thanks. Drowning in things to do. How’s miss secretary?

BbG: Up to the neck with work. Miss secretary has moved to WC1 and is enjoying dancing Irish step. Has Boss tried it?

The Boss: My legs are too long for Irish step. I would take somebody’s eye out.  WC1 though? Nice! Is that your own place?

BbG: But at least you would look good in the costume. My own? Not yet. How are your housemates?

The Boss: they are all crazy. I can’t wait to get my own place! How is your blog? Maybe I should give you something to write about J

BbG: You could try J bear in mind my readers have high expectations!

The Boss: You have a very demanding audience. Still, i’m always up for a challenge.

BbG: Yeap, blogging is a tough business. I’ll leave it to you to come up with an idea if you like a challenge.

The Boss: Ok, but I’m still not going to let you pull my hair.

BbG: But it comes out so well on paper! People love it. Same for cupping face in hands. We’ve got to have it.

The Boss: Ha! Well you can add those bits in the text! How about I make you stand against a wall, strip you and stick my tongue in you from behind? Recon they’d go for that?

BbG: This is my corporate phone. My (real) boss has just read it...

The Boss:  Ah...

BbG: Joking! I like the idea.

So, it looks like there will be a date after all. I can’t wait...

BbGx

Breaking the 'rules'

Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi



It’s been a while since my last post but I hope it was worth waiting for!

I’ve given up on on-line dating all together in favour of more active ways of meeting men. I want to shape my own destiny. Take it in my own hands. Feel the life running through my veins.

For you, my readers, I took every opportunity to test all kind of ways of meeting men, communicating and dating, often breaking ‘the rules’, which has led to some intriguing adventures. I have used on-line dating, Gumtree, guitar lessons, classes, other bloggers, and friends’ flatmates to experiment.

Now I’m moving into another territory – breaking up with conventions of communication. I won’t simply wait for men to notice me, to approach me, to ask me out. I will (gracefully) make myself noticed, initiate conversation, make a contact to get a man I desire. I will be honest in the way I feel and will give men clear signs. Honesty can be very refreshing.

There is something about meeting people on the street that is perceived as not a ‘serious’ way of gaining the potential partner. I can’t say it was totally conscious decision to examine this approach, but I have tested it recently. More about it in the next post...

Go out there and have fun with dating!

BbG x

The sweetest part of me

Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi

I have done it again. I masturbated at work. Not at my desk. In the toilet's cubicle. I did it in the afternoon.
Toilets in my new office are beautiful - sandy stone and wooden doors. Soundproof (I hope).
The cubicle is so spacious I can comfortably stretch my legs on a door.
Today was a busy day - I was preparing a sale proposal for our biggest client. There was pressure. Power point slides required pedantic attention. The side effect - naughty thoughts.
Sitting on the closed toilet bowl, leaning back,  with my skirt up at my waist and closed eyes. Nothing matters. I think about Adam. I imagine him in my kitchen, lifting me and placing gently on the counter, kissing my neck greedily, and moving down towards that sweet part of me that by now is very moist.

Noise brings me back - I look around and notice a gold button spinning on the floor. It must have sprung off my skirt while I was tensing my pelvis. I swear loudly and immidiately laugh at my luck. The mood is ruined.

Sexy Secretary on ice

I can’t wait any longer and the next evening I text my new ‘employer’:

BbG: Hey, how is my favourite boss? x

(a reply comes instantly)

Adam: Hey dancing queen. Yes, I’m good thanks, just buried in work and crazy deadlines at the moment. We should definitely dance again soon. This week is a bit tricky but the dancefloor is beckoning.x

(Wow, he calls me a dancing queen. Sweet. Or maybe he’s been sarcastic – I was rather shit at dancing MC Hammer…I think for a moment about what to say – normally I would have been offended by such a brush off but I sense he must be busy - I’ve googled his and his mate’s first names, plus a word ‘comedy’, and found they sketches on BBC’s website. Funny stuff.)

BbG: That will be great – I love dancing! Work hard and secure some free time for me :)

Adam: OK, just no writing about me on your blog :)

(I laugh but then panic - I could swear I hadn't mentioned the blog at the party.)

BbG: Did I tell you about the blog?? I must have missed important information – I stopped writing it few months ago, when I stopped dating. What else did I blab out?

Adam: I’m only joking. You told my friend about it. I thought it was funny. There was no blabbing. Why have you ‘stopped dating’?

(Ha. I must have been drunk. I was drunk.)

BbG: Oh, ok. Why did you think it was funny? Dating on line is like a Russian roulette. And men there are weird. Have you tried?

Adam: Oh I see, online dating. I did once years ago and didn’t like it. I prefer to be attracted to people in real life rather then computer pics. We’ll have to discuss over a drink (and a dance!) x

BbG: Sure. I’m looking forward to that x    

So that’s how I got put on ice. Never mind – (dating) life goes on…

Sexy Secretary is born

I wake up with a massive hangover. Have few mugs of coffee with Ella, and more or less, spend the rest of the day in t-shit and panties, discussing how good the party was. I knew my sexy comedian Adam would get in touch but I’m (pleasantly) surprised to see his text arriving so soon. I read it with a burning face, then show it to Ella as if it was a prize that I‘ve just won.

ADAM: Miss Secretary. My make-up won’t come off completely. I look a bit like a clown. What do you suggest? X Your Boss

‘It’s sort of symbolic and psychological…’ Ella starts a monologue looking somewhere at the ceiling for inspiration while stirring boiling pasta. ‘I like it’ she concludes ‘He’s trying to be deep’. ‘Bullshit’ I think gazing at her in silence waiting for ‘ I'm only joking’, but no, she is actually serious. Oh dear, never mind. I reply to Adam:

BbG: Dear Boss. This does sound awful... Did you try the make-up remover I’ve left in your bathroom? Your devoted Secretary

ADAM: Thank you, Miss. Excellent work as always. Your hard work needs to be rewarded. What would you like?

I read out Adam’s sexy reply to Ella. She smiles shaking her head and throws advice ‘This is the time to say – “I want you to take me from behind and it better be somewhere in the public. That’s how I like it”.

Yes,  that's surely what I would like to say but I’ve just met this guy! So I chose to show him my playful and romantic side and text back:

BbG: Thank you my Boss. Trip to Paris would be lovely x

ADAM: Tickets in the post. X  :)

BbG: Wonderful. You are the best boss ever! Is there anything else I can do for you?

ADAM: Your boss has to retire to bed and could use a rub down to help him relax. I know it’s not in your job description but I could always change the contract.

BbG: With pleasure (and aromatherapy oils)...

ADAM: Purrrrrfect. I shall of course return the favour. All you have to do is just undress and slide under the covers with me.

(Oh no - I will try to hold on to my clothes on as long as possible…)

BbG: Emmm, do I really need to undress? I could take off my jacket and heals, I guess... I’m warming up my hands.

ADAM: I wouldn’t want your work clothes to get creased. Also, I think you’ll like the way my smooth hands will feel against your skin, so I think it’s best for you to strip down to your underwear. In fact, that’s an order.

(The last part has me in stitches and I think it’s daring (and very, very sexy), but I’m not into having a ‘sexting’ session before meeting him again).

BbG:  ha, ha! Maybe a slow dance first with my arms around your neck?

ADAM: Sure. Hey, that felt nice yesterday. You felt good in my arms, pressed against me.

(Oh, that’s such a sweet thing to say…)

BbG: Mmmm, yes, it felt nice. And your hands are so soft.

ADAM: Soft but firm, and it felt good moving them over your body and pulling you in so I could kiss you.

BbG: Yes, firm. I liked the way you touched me and kissed my lips and my neck...

................

(The next morning I wake up to the following text:)

ADAM: I do apologise. My texting got cut short due to a technical error (I dropped the phone). Have a nice Monday x

BbG: J I forgive you! X

(I’m sure I will have a great Monday – I can’t stop smiling.)

Drunk and happy (part II)

They stand way too close for comfort and swiftly ask ‘What’s your name?’

‘Maria’I say calmly. ‘Where do you live?’ the guy wearing eye liner pretends to interrogate me. Trying to hold back laughter I act offended ‘Are you a stalker?’

He bursts out laughing shaking his head. ‘I live around here’ I admit finally and smile.

They introduce themselves: Adam and Tommy. They write comedy sketches for TV. None of which I’ve ever heard of.

Adam… nice, romantic eyes (bit too much mascara for my taste), handsome manly face, broad shoulders, fitted black shirt; cute, shy smile. I stare at his face far too long. I realise that only when his friend looks at us both amused.

The dance floor gets flooded with jolly party guests and the music is loud. ‘Let’s spend time together here’ Adam says lightly. ‘Fine, but who’s the boss?’ I ask playfully. ‘I am. And you are my secretary’ he pretends to be serious.

Pushed by the crowd I lean on Adam’s arm. I feel his warmth when he whispers to my ear ‘What is it that you want?’ I look at him surprised only to be met by his confident and encouraging gaze. Suddenly it’s clear ‘Freedom, filled with love and affection’ I answer. Adam smiles throwing his head back. ‘You can have it all’ I hear and with closed eyes, I start dancing, involuntarily, being pulled by, what I can only describe as, euphoria…

When I open my eyes, surrounded by masses of people moving rhythmically in partial darkness, I see Adam’s face near mine. I sense his smell – musky and clean.  His lips are cold, his tongue pushing deep. I embrace his neck with both hands and push my hips forward. Mixture of adrenaline and calming pleasure surges through me. I lean back gently pulling in his head until our lips are apart.

Adam takes my hand in his and leads through the crowd. I feel drunk and happy. Strong moonlight floods the floor through the window that leads to the garden.  Suddenly Tommy appears. He exchanges few words with Adam. They must leave, taxi is waiting; tomorrow is a big day.

Adam pulls me gently to the side, hugs me and whispers ‘I will see you again, right?’ I nod and hear the sound of a broken glass. I look around and see that I've pushed a glass that stood on a radiator. ‘Hope it’s not a symbol of our relationship’ Adam murmurs.

I see them at the door, with a red-haired, elegant woman.  Adam turns in my direction once more – he looks serious, even sad, and lifts his hand, intending to wave. I try to smile.

Ela comes over, ‘You like him’, she stands close to me looking at the door. Our shoulders are touching. ‘Yes’I say softly, and for the first time in a long time, I mean it.

Drunk and happy (Part I)

Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi

I am your little bear

Why don’t you reap my fur

Tomorrow, or better now!

I want to be your teddy, somehow.

This Saturday I swap a ‘second choice’ entertainment (drinks with ex-colleague, who doesn’t hide the fact he wants to get me into bed) for a top birthday party of someone I’ve never met. Yes, Ela’s friend’s is throwing a ‘80' Lace&Leather’ themed birthday bash.

In a taxi, dressed in 60’ short lace dress that belongs to Ela (and to Ela’s mother before that), and wearing the highest heals imaginable (I can't walk, only stand in them), I’m adding red lipstick and try to check the result in the mirror.

‘Bernadetta writes she feels like a foreigner in her own house’ – Ela gloomily reads out a text message – ‘apparently there are lots of English people there’ – she comments 'How odd'. 'Hello, we are in England' I comment in my thoughts and remember that Ula and her Italian friends always hung out in the same group, forgetting they don't live in Italy any more.

‘You look good Ula’ I reassure her about her choice of clothes – a lace bra with a semi-open jacket (without a blouse), and leggings made of fake leather.

‘I’m definitely ovulating today' – states Ula thoughtfully, gazing through the car’s window.

We stop the taxi in front of a licence shop to get drinks. With head stuck in a fridge I quietly comment on my own choice ‘No, not Rose… Only slats drink rose at house parties’. Ula giggles and I pick a bottle of red.

At the party now. I pass through the first room full of frightened-looking, unattractive Italians, who also happen to be massively shorter than me (now measuring 6’1 at least).

The next, equally small area has a group of dressed up gays dancing around a handbag.

We decide to inspect downstairs – it feels like an office party. Actually, more like a henhouse.

Calculating the odds of finding interesting people to talk to / have fun with, I decide to hit the ‘dance floor’ upstairs.I walk straight to the group of gays and smile. Everyone smiles back politely; a tall, blond girl shows me a large Russian prison-style tattoo on her upper arm. I pretend to admire it ‘Oh, that’s... great’.
’It’s not real’ the girl informs me looking at me gravely.

Alcohol takes its effect; I start dancing as if my life depended on it. ‘You’re poison!’ yells speaker. I encourage people to air guitar and practically form a band!  At this point I notice a guy wearing a lot of eye make up, staring, and then smiling at me. I’m too busy, with a routine of arm loops I started throwing, to return a smile but suddenly I am blushing. I now try to stop myself from blushing.

The next song is a bad one - MC Hammer – how do you dance that?? With determination and with bended knees! I develop new moves by keep opening and closing my legs. Satisfied with the outcome I look up and see two guys looking at me amused while pointing fingers and laughing. I get crossed and recognise one of them being the good-looking one with mascara on; thoroughly embarrassed I plan to run away and hide, but now see them both coming over. Oh, great!

To be continued…

The return of the shoes… and WDW

Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi

You may remember that I’ve had my shoes kept ransom by another blogger named WontDieWondering. Here is what happened later, after we kept silent for a week:

Wont Die Wondering: Hi. Hope you ready and packed for your mum’s wedding. Please send your postal address and will get the shoes back been another tough week – cheers
Beautiful but Grumpy: Hi. Yes, all packed and ready. Don’t worry about the shoes. No need to post them, just drop them off at the reception when you can. Thanks
WDW: The thought of dropping off shoes in a plastic bag is less than appealing…
BbG: When did you become fashion conscious?
WDW: When I met you – was picturing the conversation with security… I have plastic bag for the bbg lady….. how goes work?
BbG: What are we doing here texting each other – we’ve said goodbye!!!
WDW: you said goodbye… is that what you want?
BbG: Of course not. But you didn’t leave me any other option.
WDW: How did you work that out?
BbG: I computed it – I said what it was I wanted from you, you said what you wanted from me. It didn’t match.
WDW: Sometimes unmatched is really cool…like starsky and hutch (i am sure there better examples)
BbG: It’s a film! Anything can happen in the film…
WDW: Just like life unless you try to match things…..
BbG: I agree… but am still unclear as to what you actually want/expect from me. If it’s not dating then what is it? A pen friend??
WDW: Dating is so formalised it was good as friend with benefits which may have developed into something more serious….

So, I allowed him to bring my shoes back the following Sunday.
He came looking tanned, healthy and incredibly handsome. To my relief, the shoes looked untouched.
After he introduced himself to my new flatmate Helen, we all enjoyed sharing a late lunch (only mildly disturbed by WDW trying to grab my knee under the table, and placing his naked feet on top of mine).
For the rest of the afternoon we hung around in my bedroom (without Helen…), where among other things, we talked about our issue with communication (WDW complained that I never called him on the phone. Which is true.)

Occasionally I tried to convince him to let me slip a banana in his arse, and he in turn tried to stick his big toe in my mouth.
I’ve got a feeling we will meet again...

A broken heart. Literally.

Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi

It is Friday, 3pm. I’m at work, browsing guitars on internet when e-mail from Jay, my boss, arrives:

Boss: what are you doing now? quick glass? Arrgh, he must have noticed I’m on internet. Shit.
BbG: Glass??
Boss: G&T ?
BbG: Now?
Boss: YEP, MANAGEMENT PRIVILEGE, JUST A QUICK ONE IN THE FINE LINE, LETS GO, OFFSITE MEETING ABOUT SEMI-ANNUAL OBJECTIVES

So I pick up my handbag and tell the team I’m off to a meeting.

Cool air conditioning welcomes us. The place is not as busy as usual, probably because of the time of the day. There are mostly older men in elegant suits scattered around, chatting quietly in small groups. A TV screen is discreetly positioned on one of the walls. Football is on – it’s South Africa v. Mexico. I think about WontDieWondering and I’m wondering if he’s watching the game. Probably not. Most of the normal people are working.

At the bar, Boss asks me what I would like to drink, but before I have a chance to even open my mouth he gives his order to the barman – a bottle of champagne. I try to protest and come up with excuses that we can’t possibly finish it, and that I still have work to do. But he states shortly that I shouldn’t worry about anything. Ok, he’s the boss so I try to relax, but insist on staying at the bar instead of being squashed at too smug looking sofas.

My boss faces me with a grin ‘Cheers to the top performer! You did really well in the last 6 months’ and raises his glass. I can feel my face beaming with pride and excitement ‘Oh really? Thanks Jay. And thanks for all the opportunities I’ve been given’. I take a sip of ice cold and sharp tasting champagne, and laugh at his bad jokes. Today they don’t sound that bad actually.

‘It’s time to start reaping synergies from the merger’ says Boss turning serious and fixing his glare somewhere above and beyond my head. ‘I want my management team to work closely with each other to achieve that. You and Matthew will need to collaborate’ he breaks for a large sip of champagne.

‘Of course. You can count on me. It’s all forgotten from my perspective’. I try to stress the last sentence with a strong (and slightly exaggerated) hand movement for added effect.

‘Well, there is one thing I need to tell you’ Boss looks down and polishes invisible stain on his gold cufflink ‘Matthew had a heart monitor installed this morning. He’s been experiencing severe pains recently’. I can’t hide my shock but my boss continues, looking straight into my eyes, ‘He tried to blame it on you but I wouldn’t have it, plus I don’t want HR being involved. So please be careful around him. Literally. His monitor will beep if his heart is on edge.’

I feel a sharp, single twinge at my forehead. How could this turn so wrong?

I look around as if in search of help, then sigh loudly and think that this at last explains a glimpse of satisfaction on Matthew’s face this morning, when he passed me with his chin raised unnaturally high.

Are you a Gypsy?

Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi

The state of affairs with Reece, the live cattle futures trader, has been developing nicely until I've received the following:

Reece: Quick question, are you of romany extraction?

That definitely got my interest – the guy knows how to ask ‘socially awkward questions’.

Beautiful but Grumpy: Not that I’m aware of. Should I interrogate my mother?

Reece: Hehe, cue the thumbscrews, dripping water and truth serum…
Well, I’m following a vision actually.

BbG: Oh yeah? Share…

Reece: I had a wee vision that I encounter someone with a large amount of Romany blood by the end of the summer, the other details went fuzzy. As Romanys are really from Central Europe, I thought on the off chance that it could have been you. I think she was a psychic and it has some bearing on that, though, so not sure how it fits into life in general as yet.

It’s my kinky luck to meet total nutheads unusual men.

Past tense

So my first lover, Wlodek S, has got in touch last week, after all these years. Here is the string of mails that followed:
Beautiful but Grumpy: Hi. Good to hear from you but... where are your long hair??I’m very well, thanks. Since that summer after my A levels I have moved to London and being living here all this time. I don’t think my mother has ever forgiven you for my ‘B’ from literature :-) Well, at least I managed an ‘A’ from biology ;-) Do you still live in the same town?


Wlodek S: Don’t look at hair - look at the heart :-) It’s funny, I also live in London. 10 years now. How small is this world :-) Maybe we have passed each other on the street few times...
Looking at your photos – you haven’t changed much.I can see you’ve attracted a local lad ;-)
The warmest greetings for you M.
BbG: If you hang around Brick Lane or at races of one-eyed dogs, then I’m sure we have met at some point during those 10 years! Oh, the ‘lad’ is an ex boyfriend – I should really delete these pics but I like them - taken from sailing holidays in Turkey. Great fun. And you – there must be a ‘reason’ for you to stay in London for so long...
Wlodek S: Well, I’ve been married for 4 years. Why asking? ;-) Your sailing pics are hot :-) especially the one in bikini ;-)
BbG: Thanks :-) Oh, I’m asking because on all of your pics you are caressing some fish, so just wanted to check if you haven’t developed an unusual attraction... :-)
Wlodek S: Ha, ha. I kind of developed an obsession with fishing
BbG: Obsessions are good – they make you feel alive. You look professional :-)
Wlodek S: I wish – to do it professionally i would need rich sponsors :-) My job is down to earth – i’m a store manager. I’ve tried few things but they bored me.
BbG: Oh yeah? What have you tried? I’m asking because I’m fascinated by different things that people try (I’m thinking of making a film but that’s a totally different story).
Wlodek S: I started with washing dishes in a restaurant :-), then I was a gardener, then a chef... If you need extras for your film let me know - I’ll be happy to help :-)


Aah, isn’t he lovely? Yes, but also very married...

Wlodek S.

Another day, another experience.
Just as I’ve made a decision to leave dating for little while and just enjoy the summer, I’m contacted on the Polish version of Facebook (Nasza Klasa)… by the guy I lost virginity with! –Wlodek…


He was the hottest boy in town, in southern Poland where I grew up, and with his long dark hair he kind of resembled the Last Mohican, or the guy from the ‘Virgins suicides’ (whichever is cuter). I never really understood why he had any interest in me (a tall, skinny nerd) while, being sensitive, caring and very hot, he could have had anyone! I will spare you the details of the actual 'initiation', but I will tell you that even though our romance didn’t last long, I have never forgotten that summer...

So, he may be gay by now… who knows.

I plan to reply and mention few highlights of my life (when I think of some) and then will ask where the hell he’s been all these years!

Ransom

You may be wondering what is happening with me and WDW (a blogger I've dated recently). Well, it was fun, until WDW defaulted on 2 dates in a row! To miss one date is a sin, but two… unforgivable mistake.

Hence you've (hopefully) read all about me moving on, and getting into dating a live cattle futures trader. Yes, I know it sounds weird but I'm sure he will turn out just lovely.

Anyway, when WDW found out about my plans of dating another, he confronted me by text:

Wont Die Wondering: Dating a futures trader?
Beautiful but Grumpy: Almost
WDW: What's almost?
BbG: Almost means that something has been accomplished but not fully
WDW: Haha you are very amusing….enjoyed the yes man book?
BbG: not finished yet. Will post it back when I'm done.
WDW: Post it back? Not planning to see me to give it back?
BbG: no
WDW: Fine, but I am not sure I will ever get your shoes in the mailbox….
(I left a pair of cute high heels at his place few weeks ago)
BbG: Keep them for the next slave.
WDW: You were never a slave and pretty sure they would never fit into your shoe….
BbG: Well then you just need to search. Next time try specific websites
WDW: Well I would like to see you again to return the shoes at the very least – don’t care about the book, won’t read it again…
…..

WDW: Do you want your shoes back?

At which point I must have fallen asleep so not sure if I'll ever get my shoes back…

Hi. How are the cows?

Right. So I’ve been flirting with Reece, a futures trader. And as planned, I'm stepping away from geeky talk to something more meaningful…

Beautiful but Grumpy: Hey. How are the cows? x
(forgot to mention that Reece also runs a farm...)
Reece: Hey sweetie, cows are happy just now after some rain to make the grass grow; am embarking on an energy project next week, should be fun
BbG: Energy project sounds great and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for the rain for you. Been to any good bars recently?
Reece: only one; it was few days ago and I ran into this interesting girl who turned my head
BbG: Ha, ha. Sounds like it was special. Might be worth asking her out some time (to see if she really is that interesting or if it was the rum…)
Reece: Nah…it was the rum
BbG: At least you know exactly what works for you and it sounds reliable. You’re lucky!
Reece: hehe
BbG :-)
Reece: Don’t know when we can hook up but we should
BbG: Maybe when it’s raining so you would feel something is working while you are having fun!
Reece: Ok, cool. Shouldn’t have long to wait in the uk then…

I've checked the weather report and it looks sunny all the way to the weekend... My luck.