Condoms, presents and Beyonce at Glastonbury



Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi


I'm temporarily renting a room in the historical part of London, and my new lover Adam (aka the Boss, a comedian) has met my Landlady. She is a retired actress. She still sings and plays banjo.

Adam-the-Boss texts me the day after staying overnight at mine:

The Boss: Hi Miss Secretary. Now you have pointed out that sunspot it stares me in the face when I look in a mirror. Shall I wear a mask? X

Beautiful but Grumpy: A diving bell… My Landlady has just sat me down for a talk on contraceptives. It’s all your fault!

The Boss: What??? What did she say? That’s funny. You’ve got a substitute mum/grandma.

BbG: More of a grandma. She suggested using some gels on top of condoms. You cannot imagine how hard it was to keep a straight face.

The Boss: oh.. my.. God. She must have heard us and presumed you were in pain! Either that or she owns shares in gel company and she wants you to invest :)

BbG: :) I suspect she’d heard us. What if she offers me her own gel?

The Boss: What if her husband offers me his condoms?

BbG: He clearly does not use any – 3 children with fellow band members…

The Boss: I’d get an extra lock on my door if I were you.

BbG: Well, funny you must say that – yesterday 3 of us sung together (Landlady played banjo). Today he bought me a present…

The Boss: What did he give you? Was it a discount off another one of his paintings? A cloth hat?

BbG: Well, he told me he’d bought a book for me but he hasn’t given it to me yet. I think he forgot. And I’m too shy to ask!

The Boss: Oh yes, the old ‘Oh, I forgot to give you your book’ knock on your bedroom door at midnight. Don’t answer in that sexy shirt/knicker combo!

BbG: You liked it? In that case I’ll only answer the door wearing leather jacket and lots of eye make up to put him off. How are you?

The Boss: I’m good, thanks. Watching Beyonce at Glastonbury.

BbG: I’m surprised you haven’t made it there to see her in person.

The Boss: I would only distract her. She’d forget her words.

BbG: :) I like her. She’s a good dancer.

The Boss: Yeah, she’s pretty awesome. She must do a hot waltz.

BbG: Just imagine that foxtrot that you could impress her with.

The Boss: Her hair would get in my face to much. I’d have to decline.

BbG: :) good

It will be interesting having Adam-the-Boss coming over again and my Landlady poking around. Last time he was at mine she said, before heading to bed “Well, I assume I will see you at breakfast then”. “If you don’t get kicked out” she added quietly, and ostentatiously turned towards the large staircase, that led to her opulently decorated bedroom.

Spread your legs, or Miss Secretary meets her Boss

And it happened.

I throw myself on the bed. Adam squeezes my bum.

‘Aaah’ he whispers and stares at it for a while.

Then he quickly takes my silk panties off and begins to kiss me between legs.

‘Spread your legs’ I hear him say. I spread them wide open and lose myself in pleasure.

‘You’ve got a nice body’ I complement my new lover while touching his muscular legs.

‘I eat crisps’ he replies.

‘Don’t make me laugh - I can’t be aggressive’ I giggle and greedily kiss his neck.

I lay in Adam’s arms under a dim light. Silence. He gently caresses my back. 

‘You’ve found an imperfection?’ I ask quietly.

‘No’ he whispers, now caressing my neck ‘it’s ALL perfect’ he adds with slightly trembling voice. I beam with pleasure and hold on to him tighter.

‘Why don’t we see each other more often?’ I drop surprising both of us.
‘What?’ he asks and lifts himself off the pillow. ‘I didn’t want a relationship. My career has finally picked up and I just didn’t want a responsibility. But then again, you are independent and have a busy job...’ I freeze. ‘And I DO want to keep seeing my secretary. I do...’ he adds enthusiastically and tries to hug me while I'm involuntary pulling away. Adam tries to hold me back. 
‘Ah, it’s all ruined now...’ I hear him say from behind my shoulder.

I switch off the light.

We lay in silent darkness. Suddenly I hear Adam drawing a deep breath. He slowly turns me towards him, cuddles me, caresses my chin and then gently cups my face in his palms. I feel warmth of his body when he kisses me, for what seems like, a very long time.

A text comes the next day:
Adam: I forgot to say I met your Malaysian housemate on the kitchen stairs this morning. I think he thought I was a burglar.

Notes



Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi


I've had my date with a comedian called Adam (aka the Boss) and I am dying to tell you all about it. But in the meantime I will share a last-minute conversation we had a day before our date:

Beautiful but Grumpy: Hello Boss. Here are the details of your conference: Address. Dress code: smart casual. What food do you fancy? There is so much choice here (no 7 courses please - I want you in my bed  asap). Your Secretary x


The Boss: Miss Secretary. Thank you for the information - very efficient as usual! I have a small request in that I have to dine with my agent at 6.30, so rather than a meal could we go for drinks? I can be with you for 8.30. x

BbG: 8.30 is fine (although I thought I was your agent) x

The Boss: Agent is work only. Secretary is my very helpful assistant who I allow to get personal with. Actually, Miss Secretary I have some notes for you. Do you have a pen?

BbG: Yes my Boss...

The Boss: OK good. Notes are as follows...

The Boss: I want to fuck your mouth, your pussy, and your ass. End of notes.

The return of The Boss

Do may remember this really lovely comedian called Adam? We met few months ago at a costume party and had this little sexy Boss-Secretary game going on... I couldn't wait any longer for his move and as I was walking around London I came across something strangely funny. Not thinking twice I've sent him the pic with the following message:

Beautiful but Grumpy: Hey, guess what this might be...

The Boss: An antique sex toy?

BbG: It’s called Boutique Bug Hotel. I think the address can be found in the phonebook... Hope you are well and work is good?

The Boss: Yes, I’m good thanks. Drowning in things to do. How’s miss secretary?

BbG: Up to the neck with work. Miss secretary has moved to WC1 and is enjoying dancing Irish step. Has Boss tried it?

The Boss: My legs are too long for Irish step. I would take somebody’s eye out.  WC1 though? Nice! Is that your own place?

BbG: But at least you would look good in the costume. My own? Not yet. How are your housemates?

The Boss: they are all crazy. I can’t wait to get my own place! How is your blog? Maybe I should give you something to write about J

BbG: You could try J bear in mind my readers have high expectations!

The Boss: You have a very demanding audience. Still, i’m always up for a challenge.

BbG: Yeap, blogging is a tough business. I’ll leave it to you to come up with an idea if you like a challenge.

The Boss: Ok, but I’m still not going to let you pull my hair.

BbG: But it comes out so well on paper! People love it. Same for cupping face in hands. We’ve got to have it.

The Boss: Ha! Well you can add those bits in the text! How about I make you stand against a wall, strip you and stick my tongue in you from behind? Recon they’d go for that?

BbG: This is my corporate phone. My (real) boss has just read it...

The Boss:  Ah...

BbG: Joking! I like the idea.

So, it looks like there will be a date after all. I can’t wait...

BbGx

Sexy Secretary is born

I wake up with a massive hangover. Have few mugs of coffee with Ella, and more or less, spend the rest of the day in t-shit and panties, discussing how good the party was. I knew my sexy comedian Adam would get in touch but I’m (pleasantly) surprised to see his text arriving so soon. I read it with a burning face, then show it to Ella as if it was a prize that I‘ve just won.

ADAM: Miss Secretary. My make-up won’t come off completely. I look a bit like a clown. What do you suggest? X Your Boss

‘It’s sort of symbolic and psychological…’ Ella starts a monologue looking somewhere at the ceiling for inspiration while stirring boiling pasta. ‘I like it’ she concludes ‘He’s trying to be deep’. ‘Bullshit’ I think gazing at her in silence waiting for ‘ I'm only joking’, but no, she is actually serious. Oh dear, never mind. I reply to Adam:

BbG: Dear Boss. This does sound awful... Did you try the make-up remover I’ve left in your bathroom? Your devoted Secretary

ADAM: Thank you, Miss. Excellent work as always. Your hard work needs to be rewarded. What would you like?

I read out Adam’s sexy reply to Ella. She smiles shaking her head and throws advice ‘This is the time to say – “I want you to take me from behind and it better be somewhere in the public. That’s how I like it”.

Yes,  that's surely what I would like to say but I’ve just met this guy! So I chose to show him my playful and romantic side and text back:

BbG: Thank you my Boss. Trip to Paris would be lovely x

ADAM: Tickets in the post. X  :)

BbG: Wonderful. You are the best boss ever! Is there anything else I can do for you?

ADAM: Your boss has to retire to bed and could use a rub down to help him relax. I know it’s not in your job description but I could always change the contract.

BbG: With pleasure (and aromatherapy oils)...

ADAM: Purrrrrfect. I shall of course return the favour. All you have to do is just undress and slide under the covers with me.

(Oh no - I will try to hold on to my clothes on as long as possible…)

BbG: Emmm, do I really need to undress? I could take off my jacket and heals, I guess... I’m warming up my hands.

ADAM: I wouldn’t want your work clothes to get creased. Also, I think you’ll like the way my smooth hands will feel against your skin, so I think it’s best for you to strip down to your underwear. In fact, that’s an order.

(The last part has me in stitches and I think it’s daring (and very, very sexy), but I’m not into having a ‘sexting’ session before meeting him again).

BbG:  ha, ha! Maybe a slow dance first with my arms around your neck?

ADAM: Sure. Hey, that felt nice yesterday. You felt good in my arms, pressed against me.

(Oh, that’s such a sweet thing to say…)

BbG: Mmmm, yes, it felt nice. And your hands are so soft.

ADAM: Soft but firm, and it felt good moving them over your body and pulling you in so I could kiss you.

BbG: Yes, firm. I liked the way you touched me and kissed my lips and my neck...

................

(The next morning I wake up to the following text:)

ADAM: I do apologise. My texting got cut short due to a technical error (I dropped the phone). Have a nice Monday x

BbG: J I forgive you! X

(I’m sure I will have a great Monday – I can’t stop smiling.)

Drunk and happy (part II)

They stand way too close for comfort and swiftly ask ‘What’s your name?’

‘Maria’I say calmly. ‘Where do you live?’ the guy wearing eye liner pretends to interrogate me. Trying to hold back laughter I act offended ‘Are you a stalker?’

He bursts out laughing shaking his head. ‘I live around here’ I admit finally and smile.

They introduce themselves: Adam and Tommy. They write comedy sketches for TV. None of which I’ve ever heard of.

Adam… nice, romantic eyes (bit too much mascara for my taste), handsome manly face, broad shoulders, fitted black shirt; cute, shy smile. I stare at his face far too long. I realise that only when his friend looks at us both amused.

The dance floor gets flooded with jolly party guests and the music is loud. ‘Let’s spend time together here’ Adam says lightly. ‘Fine, but who’s the boss?’ I ask playfully. ‘I am. And you are my secretary’ he pretends to be serious.

Pushed by the crowd I lean on Adam’s arm. I feel his warmth when he whispers to my ear ‘What is it that you want?’ I look at him surprised only to be met by his confident and encouraging gaze. Suddenly it’s clear ‘Freedom, filled with love and affection’ I answer. Adam smiles throwing his head back. ‘You can have it all’ I hear and with closed eyes, I start dancing, involuntarily, being pulled by, what I can only describe as, euphoria…

When I open my eyes, surrounded by masses of people moving rhythmically in partial darkness, I see Adam’s face near mine. I sense his smell – musky and clean.  His lips are cold, his tongue pushing deep. I embrace his neck with both hands and push my hips forward. Mixture of adrenaline and calming pleasure surges through me. I lean back gently pulling in his head until our lips are apart.

Adam takes my hand in his and leads through the crowd. I feel drunk and happy. Strong moonlight floods the floor through the window that leads to the garden.  Suddenly Tommy appears. He exchanges few words with Adam. They must leave, taxi is waiting; tomorrow is a big day.

Adam pulls me gently to the side, hugs me and whispers ‘I will see you again, right?’ I nod and hear the sound of a broken glass. I look around and see that I've pushed a glass that stood on a radiator. ‘Hope it’s not a symbol of our relationship’ Adam murmurs.

I see them at the door, with a red-haired, elegant woman.  Adam turns in my direction once more – he looks serious, even sad, and lifts his hand, intending to wave. I try to smile.

Ela comes over, ‘You like him’, she stands close to me looking at the door. Our shoulders are touching. ‘Yes’I say softly, and for the first time in a long time, I mean it.