As voted positively by fellow Bloggers (or rather a Blogger/Follower) I promised to give I_like_swans123 a chance, but I had a glance at his profile again and found this:
Why should you get to know I_like_swans123?
You can tell a lot about someone by what they like and dislike in others. Well I like goodness, humour, warmth, knowing, intelligence, a wild spirit, and a naughty side. What I don’t like is ugliness ( inner), fear, anger, lack of careful thought, and no emotional intelligence.
Why me? Because I am loving, sexy, sweet, warm, intelligent and very funny. I am passionate and emotional and thrive on intimacy. I am fairly balanced but always working on myself and I'm very funny.
I can be very serious, but my general attitude to life is optimistic and positive. I love being silly for laughs but crave deep intense conversation too. I am ambitious but will always have time for the right person and a loving relationship. Oh and i'm a great kisser.
If any of this resinates with you give me a call, if not good luck in your search.
He describes his ideal match thus:
You are a whole human being, with weaknesses and strengths, undamaged but not unaffected.
You are not afraid of intimacy and open and honest conversation and you are looking for the same in me. You are willing to put hard work into the relationship and solve problems to develop friendship and love.
You are cool, outgoing and have a sense of humor. You are reflective and intellectual and open to constant challenging of your map of the world. You seek spiritual growth (of the non-religious sort) and you believe in consciousness at a higher level. You know yourself and your emotions. Allthough these abilities require some degree of self-absorbtion, I am by no means interested in egocentric people. You dont clean your car on Sundays and you love animals..
Shall we have another voting session please?
Saturday, 28 November 2009
Friday, 27 November 2009
A man with a past [Mr Monkey Media]
If I was treating this date as a test, James would fail in ethics and I would get unsatisfactory in carefreeness.
7.45pm Leicester Square (3 days ago)
I'm nervously looking around for any free access to Odeon Leicester Square, where preparations to the film premiere are taking place. No one is allowed near the building. How am I going to meet James here? I wonder.
His profile mentioned he thrives on challenge. Could he possibly have set me one tonight? Is it an experiment?
My mind is quickly scanning all the information I have about him. He is much older than me at 41, born in London but lived in Hamburg for past 5 years, where he has left his long term partner, and a child. He owns a media company and expresses interest in women who are 'a little carefree and wish to grow and communicate'. James uses a pseudonym of David Lynch, which brought us together, as I'm a big fan of the director. Then the mail with his poem followed. I enjoy poetry but this one somehow failed to engage me.
It's already 7.55pm, I text James to say that it will be difficult to meet. He texts back suggesting meeting in All Bar One next to it. But All Bar One is next to Odeon West End and not Leicester Square! We meet at the bar. I'm not impressed with his mistake, which I'm not prepared to hide, and instead of '’Hello'’ say '’I hate you'’. He laughs and asks what I want to drink.
He looks good for his age and he knows he is attractive. We talk about David Lynch for a while. I can't quite place James's accent. He says its south London, Croydon. He may well sound like a gangster, if it wasn't for 'big' words plunged occasionally. He drinks fast; talks a lot, mainly about himself.
His media company turns out to be a magazine specialising in boat design. Hmmm. Here is where the name dropping starts. James met Abramovich.
‘’I couldn’t believe how vulnerable he came across. Like a lost child. I just didn't want to sell him anything. I think he respected me for that’’.
James now goes out for cigarette every 10 minutes. He is excited and tells me he feels he can trust me. '’That's easy because I'm a good person and it shows. Can I trust you though?'’ I ask. He smiles and suddenly becomes serious '’No. I can't even trust myself. There is a lot of darkness in me'’. I then remember his profile’s response to the question 'Do you take drugs' being 'Not anymore'. I wonder if that is true.
One thing is on my mind now – how can I escape? James, sensing it, asks if I feel that there is 'more than what we see' and if I believed in signs. Without waiting for my reply he swiftly takes out something from his pocket. It's a small toy – Grey Bear carrying an even smaller, white rabbit in its arms. '’I've found it on the underground, on my way to meet you’', he says looking into my eyes. I exhale and slowly pronounce '’I am not prepared to be that bear’'. He mumbles something and goes out for a cigarette, leaving me with the bear staring from the table.
Finally he’s back and seeing the bear still on the counter, snatches the toy. There is an awkward moment of silence.
'’Some call me delusional'’ he reveals without looking at me. I can now agree with that but out of pity say
'’They might call you that, but in the end, it will be you who might succeed in something great, because you had a vision’'. He loves it and feels encouraged to tell me more.
He begins a monologue about having sex with his German ex-girlfriend after their break up and how he introduced her to anal sex. '’I made her do it with me all the time, knowing I was going back to England soon, as if to fill myself up’'. I feel sick.
'’Let's go’', I say, ‘'I need to be early at work tomorrow’'.
We are approaching Piccadilly line, going opposite directions, when James whispers '’I want you to have this bear’'. '’You found it, you keep it'’ I say quickly. He kisses me on the cheek and jumps on the train without looking back.
7.45pm Leicester Square (3 days ago)
I'm nervously looking around for any free access to Odeon Leicester Square, where preparations to the film premiere are taking place. No one is allowed near the building. How am I going to meet James here? I wonder.
His profile mentioned he thrives on challenge. Could he possibly have set me one tonight? Is it an experiment?
My mind is quickly scanning all the information I have about him. He is much older than me at 41, born in London but lived in Hamburg for past 5 years, where he has left his long term partner, and a child. He owns a media company and expresses interest in women who are 'a little carefree and wish to grow and communicate'. James uses a pseudonym of David Lynch, which brought us together, as I'm a big fan of the director. Then the mail with his poem followed. I enjoy poetry but this one somehow failed to engage me.
It's already 7.55pm, I text James to say that it will be difficult to meet. He texts back suggesting meeting in All Bar One next to it. But All Bar One is next to Odeon West End and not Leicester Square! We meet at the bar. I'm not impressed with his mistake, which I'm not prepared to hide, and instead of '’Hello'’ say '’I hate you'’. He laughs and asks what I want to drink.
He looks good for his age and he knows he is attractive. We talk about David Lynch for a while. I can't quite place James's accent. He says its south London, Croydon. He may well sound like a gangster, if it wasn't for 'big' words plunged occasionally. He drinks fast; talks a lot, mainly about himself.
His media company turns out to be a magazine specialising in boat design. Hmmm. Here is where the name dropping starts. James met Abramovich.
‘’I couldn’t believe how vulnerable he came across. Like a lost child. I just didn't want to sell him anything. I think he respected me for that’’.
James now goes out for cigarette every 10 minutes. He is excited and tells me he feels he can trust me. '’That's easy because I'm a good person and it shows. Can I trust you though?'’ I ask. He smiles and suddenly becomes serious '’No. I can't even trust myself. There is a lot of darkness in me'’. I then remember his profile’s response to the question 'Do you take drugs' being 'Not anymore'. I wonder if that is true.
One thing is on my mind now – how can I escape? James, sensing it, asks if I feel that there is 'more than what we see' and if I believed in signs. Without waiting for my reply he swiftly takes out something from his pocket. It's a small toy – Grey Bear carrying an even smaller, white rabbit in its arms. '’I've found it on the underground, on my way to meet you’', he says looking into my eyes. I exhale and slowly pronounce '’I am not prepared to be that bear’'. He mumbles something and goes out for a cigarette, leaving me with the bear staring from the table.
Finally he’s back and seeing the bear still on the counter, snatches the toy. There is an awkward moment of silence.
'’Some call me delusional'’ he reveals without looking at me. I can now agree with that but out of pity say
'’They might call you that, but in the end, it will be you who might succeed in something great, because you had a vision’'. He loves it and feels encouraged to tell me more.
He begins a monologue about having sex with his German ex-girlfriend after their break up and how he introduced her to anal sex. '’I made her do it with me all the time, knowing I was going back to England soon, as if to fill myself up’'. I feel sick.
'’Let's go’', I say, ‘'I need to be early at work tomorrow’'.
We are approaching Piccadilly line, going opposite directions, when James whispers '’I want you to have this bear’'. '’You found it, you keep it'’ I say quickly. He kisses me on the cheek and jumps on the train without looking back.
Thursday, 26 November 2009
81.5% of Mr I_like_swans123
Being in a playful mood, I replied to Mr I_like_swans123 last night...
BBG: Well, we are only 81.5 % match Mac! Do you think it's enough?
Mr I_like_swans123: Mmmm interesting question. When I did my degree and masters 81.5% would have got me a first, so yes enough. If i got a wage rise of 81.5% i'd be very happy, so again enough. If i made you laugh 81.5% of the time, you would indeed think it was enough. And imagine if we were really happy together 81.5% of the time. I think you know where i'm going with this one. So take an 81.5% chance and contact me.......
What about your wig?? I feel like asking...
I wish I had voting buttons here to let fellow bloggers/Followers decide what I could do next... That would be fun!
BBG: Well, we are only 81.5 % match Mac! Do you think it's enough?
Mr I_like_swans123: Mmmm interesting question. When I did my degree and masters 81.5% would have got me a first, so yes enough. If i got a wage rise of 81.5% i'd be very happy, so again enough. If i made you laugh 81.5% of the time, you would indeed think it was enough. And imagine if we were really happy together 81.5% of the time. I think you know where i'm going with this one. So take an 81.5% chance and contact me.......
What about your wig?? I feel like asking...
I wish I had voting buttons here to let fellow bloggers/Followers decide what I could do next... That would be fun!
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Did he lie about his height? [Mr Cameraman]
My Guardian Soulmates profile attracts attention.
Some stats… I am being viewed 40 to 60 times per week, and I'm gaining (on average) 1.5 Fan a day ('Fan' means someone, who declares full interest in you, and usually follows with an e-mail).
Well, Mr Cameraman is one of my Fans.
His e-mails are uncomfortably long with constant references to what he had for dinner, and how sleepy he is feeling after eating it… followed by xx. Does it mean that he only feels like snogging after eating, because he doesn't put xx anywhere else in the text?
Well, Mr Cameraman is half Italian and rather handsome, so I've decided to give it a go.
The Date – last Tuesday, 7.30pm
I chose for us to meet in café 1001 on Brick Lane. Upstairs is usually quiet and dim.
We pick bottled Budweiser.
Just before we sat down I noticed that Mr Camaraman was significantly shorter than me. Did he lie about his height? I wondered. I did specifically state in my 'ideal man' spec that I liked my men taller than 5f9. Is that too much to ask?
The small talk wasn't going well. It resembled holding an annual objectives review.
I then offered to get another drink but he whispered, ''Let me surprise you'', with the look of someone who was going to bring me a young, live bear, or a butterfly cupped in his hands. But no, Mr Cameraman came back with two bottles of Corona.
I have no idea why I agreed to move to another, quieter bar. I think I wanted to hide the fact it wasn't a great date.
We finally find something we have in common – chocolate! This seems to bring us closer temporarily. We are sitting on the sofa when I say ''I can see you are trying for a kiss, but I just don't kiss on the first date'', I lied. Mr Cameraman looks at me as if I burped. He quickly composes himself ''You don't have it written on your forehead, you know''.
He then says I was more beautiful than on my profile photo and that he was bullied at school. It did not make me change my mind about kissing.
On the way to the Liverpool Street station I instinctively reached for his hand (being veteran of long term relationships). That was a mistake, but I didn't have guts to take it back. He is now trying again for a kiss. I pretended not to notice and run towards the entrance of the station, waving.
Mr Cameraman texted me the next day, asking for another date and offering leftovers of chocolates he brought for me from shooting Terry's advert. I'm tempted…but quickly remembered the height issue, and decided to stick to my one and only requirement.
Some stats… I am being viewed 40 to 60 times per week, and I'm gaining (on average) 1.5 Fan a day ('Fan' means someone, who declares full interest in you, and usually follows with an e-mail).
Well, Mr Cameraman is one of my Fans.
His e-mails are uncomfortably long with constant references to what he had for dinner, and how sleepy he is feeling after eating it… followed by xx. Does it mean that he only feels like snogging after eating, because he doesn't put xx anywhere else in the text?
Well, Mr Cameraman is half Italian and rather handsome, so I've decided to give it a go.
The Date – last Tuesday, 7.30pm
I chose for us to meet in café 1001 on Brick Lane. Upstairs is usually quiet and dim.
We pick bottled Budweiser.
Just before we sat down I noticed that Mr Camaraman was significantly shorter than me. Did he lie about his height? I wondered. I did specifically state in my 'ideal man' spec that I liked my men taller than 5f9. Is that too much to ask?
The small talk wasn't going well. It resembled holding an annual objectives review.
I then offered to get another drink but he whispered, ''Let me surprise you'', with the look of someone who was going to bring me a young, live bear, or a butterfly cupped in his hands. But no, Mr Cameraman came back with two bottles of Corona.
I have no idea why I agreed to move to another, quieter bar. I think I wanted to hide the fact it wasn't a great date.
We finally find something we have in common – chocolate! This seems to bring us closer temporarily. We are sitting on the sofa when I say ''I can see you are trying for a kiss, but I just don't kiss on the first date'', I lied. Mr Cameraman looks at me as if I burped. He quickly composes himself ''You don't have it written on your forehead, you know''.
He then says I was more beautiful than on my profile photo and that he was bullied at school. It did not make me change my mind about kissing.
On the way to the Liverpool Street station I instinctively reached for his hand (being veteran of long term relationships). That was a mistake, but I didn't have guts to take it back. He is now trying again for a kiss. I pretended not to notice and run towards the entrance of the station, waving.
Mr Cameraman texted me the next day, asking for another date and offering leftovers of chocolates he brought for me from shooting Terry's advert. I'm tempted…but quickly remembered the height issue, and decided to stick to my one and only requirement.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Mr I_like_swans123
So many date offers - so little time...
It certainly makes it easier to decide whom to date when you come across a guy who calls himself I_like_swans123 (I find it hard to believe that he couldn't register this name without adding numbers...)
His profile photo shows that he might be wearing a wig... but he is definitely wearing an 80's shell suit.
Here is what he wrote to me today, bless:
Hey there, I’ve noticed you’ve not added me to your favourites which is regretable but maybe understandable. You may well have already met someone, or you don’t think im a good match. You may be waiting to see what I do next, which to be fair is an attractive woman’s prerogative, and an option I favour, or you might be to contact me, another one I really like. infact there are a number of options. What would be nice though, and certainly in the spirit of Soulmates, is to tell me where you are at. Cheers Mac
It certainly makes it easier to decide whom to date when you come across a guy who calls himself I_like_swans123 (I find it hard to believe that he couldn't register this name without adding numbers...)
His profile photo shows that he might be wearing a wig... but he is definitely wearing an 80's shell suit.
Here is what he wrote to me today, bless:
Hey there, I’ve noticed you’ve not added me to your favourites which is regretable but maybe understandable. You may well have already met someone, or you don’t think im a good match. You may be waiting to see what I do next, which to be fair is an attractive woman’s prerogative, and an option I favour, or you might be to contact me, another one I really like. infact there are a number of options. What would be nice though, and certainly in the spirit of Soulmates, is to tell me where you are at. Cheers Mac
Thursday, 19 November 2009
4-some, outside, filmed or I want to be loved [Mr TV Director]
In normal circumstances, you would consider a man, who sends you 48 text messages in few hours, to be possessed. But when Mr TV Director did exactly that on Saturday afternoon (the weekend he was leaving for Cuba, remember?) I considered it perfectly alright, taking in the account he was going away for three weeks for work, and obviously he wanted to be remembered! Especially, that we were yet to meet on his return…
The texting plot being that Mr TV Director desperately tries to convince me to forward him my rude photos.
Mr TV Director: Oh good, you have one of those mobile phone devices. That means you can take your own revealing pics to text me. Dan
Beautiful but Grumpy: Oh no, not the rude-picture-beggar again! I'm just about to play some tennis…but then I will be all sweaty and that might inspire me to photograph myself, who knows… But under one condition – write a poem for me!
Mr TV Director: Oh perfect, yes, I like sweaty! Maria Maria have some heart, er, send me a pic as quick as a tick.
BBG: Try harder.
Mr TV Director: Maria, Maria, get your knickers off. Down with the bourgeoisie, oi oi oi. Maria, Maria, get your knickers off. Come and be Volga with me.
BBG: Mmm, don't give up your day job... I know, dedicate your Cuba film to me!
Mr TV Director: Ok it's a deal. The program is dedicated to you.
BBG: Wow, thanks! But you wouldn't be able to tell if I've sent you a photo of my arm but lied that it was my sexy thigh…
Mr TV Director: No, you're right. That would be interesting to put to the test. I would look out for a glimpse of breast, or of knickers.
BBG: I will make sure I leave some underarm hair for your excitement.
Mr TV Director: Oh you're mean. You should have a shave for me. A trim, at least.
And how are you going to disguise your breasts?
BBG: They are small (but firm). I would stand far away so you wouldn't be able to actually see them…
Mr TV Director: Small and firm sounds perfect. (Although naturally I'm large and firm myself…) Who wants big floppy breasts?
BBG: Hmmm. Are you married? You are sexy and intelligent – you must be. Or have you been with a guy before?
Mr TV Director: Married? No, no.
I've stripped off and been watched by a guy. I had a fantasy about showing myself off like that. Exhibitionist I suppose. But not into contact with a guy.
BBG: It's great to have fantasies fulfilled. I had mine come true recently…
Mr TV Director: What were they?
BBG: 4-some, outside, filmed.
Mr TV Director: Oh, cool. Wish I could see it! I'd like to film too. And be filmed, maybe. I've been offered work in porn but didn't do it.
BBG: It wasn't porn as such – my girlfriend shot it on a small photo-camera. It was this summer, on my b/day, in north of Spain. Guys kissed too, which was fun.
You sure you wouldn't want to do that kind of thing involving men too?
Mr TV Director: I don't like the taste and smell of men. Why? Would you like to watch? I've been with a couple but no contact with the guy. And I've had guys watch, touch and taste me. I only like the watching.
Oh no! He was turning into this character from 'Little children', the pervy guy, who you hoped was actually a nice person and just misunderstood by society, but once you gave him trust, he turns out to be a very sick man…
Mr TV Director: Women are just more sexy!
Ah, there is hope! Just to second check I asked…
BBG: Are you sure? Don't you have an ideal when it comes to guys?
Mr TV Director: There was some good-looking mythical young guy. But I think he has a small cock!
Or maybe not…
BBG: Oh, small one would be good to go into my arse – do you have his number because I need him to take my bum-virginity!
Ufff, I was getting angry (and provocative).
Mr TV Director: I'm a virgin in that respect too. Because of women like you who can't take it! Shame. So we want a young Apollo who can fuck us both up the arse in turn! Then you can both suck me together. Hmm.
I've got to stop this - I tell myself - he prefers men!
BBG: This conversation is becoming monotonous.. I better go back to the dinner party.
I cooled off a little and because I actually liked him, I decided to tell him what it was that I wanted.
BBG: The issue is that I want to be loved. And I want everyone (and everything) to be secondary.
Mr TV Director: I know. Of course. I'm just in the mood for enjoying the everything else at the moment.
I wish I knew then, that he really meant that last sentence and I really meant my last note too.
There were few more texts, containing mixture of poetry and pornography, exchanged that evening.
…..
The next morning…
Mr TV Director: Bye Maria! Look forward to catching up soon! x
BBG: According to your text messages you slept with me last night. So... how was it?
Was I any good? :-)
Mr TV Director: Oh Maria, you were great!
The texting plot being that Mr TV Director desperately tries to convince me to forward him my rude photos.
Mr TV Director: Oh good, you have one of those mobile phone devices. That means you can take your own revealing pics to text me. Dan
Beautiful but Grumpy: Oh no, not the rude-picture-beggar again! I'm just about to play some tennis…but then I will be all sweaty and that might inspire me to photograph myself, who knows… But under one condition – write a poem for me!
Mr TV Director: Oh perfect, yes, I like sweaty! Maria Maria have some heart, er, send me a pic as quick as a tick.
BBG: Try harder.
Mr TV Director: Maria, Maria, get your knickers off. Down with the bourgeoisie, oi oi oi. Maria, Maria, get your knickers off. Come and be Volga with me.
BBG: Mmm, don't give up your day job... I know, dedicate your Cuba film to me!
Mr TV Director: Ok it's a deal. The program is dedicated to you.
BBG: Wow, thanks! But you wouldn't be able to tell if I've sent you a photo of my arm but lied that it was my sexy thigh…
Mr TV Director: No, you're right. That would be interesting to put to the test. I would look out for a glimpse of breast, or of knickers.
BBG: I will make sure I leave some underarm hair for your excitement.
Mr TV Director: Oh you're mean. You should have a shave for me. A trim, at least.
And how are you going to disguise your breasts?
BBG: They are small (but firm). I would stand far away so you wouldn't be able to actually see them…
Mr TV Director: Small and firm sounds perfect. (Although naturally I'm large and firm myself…) Who wants big floppy breasts?
BBG: Hmmm. Are you married? You are sexy and intelligent – you must be. Or have you been with a guy before?
Mr TV Director: Married? No, no.
I've stripped off and been watched by a guy. I had a fantasy about showing myself off like that. Exhibitionist I suppose. But not into contact with a guy.
BBG: It's great to have fantasies fulfilled. I had mine come true recently…
Mr TV Director: What were they?
BBG: 4-some, outside, filmed.
Mr TV Director: Oh, cool. Wish I could see it! I'd like to film too. And be filmed, maybe. I've been offered work in porn but didn't do it.
BBG: It wasn't porn as such – my girlfriend shot it on a small photo-camera. It was this summer, on my b/day, in north of Spain. Guys kissed too, which was fun.
You sure you wouldn't want to do that kind of thing involving men too?
Mr TV Director: I don't like the taste and smell of men. Why? Would you like to watch? I've been with a couple but no contact with the guy. And I've had guys watch, touch and taste me. I only like the watching.
Oh no! He was turning into this character from 'Little children', the pervy guy, who you hoped was actually a nice person and just misunderstood by society, but once you gave him trust, he turns out to be a very sick man…
Mr TV Director: Women are just more sexy!
Ah, there is hope! Just to second check I asked…
BBG: Are you sure? Don't you have an ideal when it comes to guys?
Mr TV Director: There was some good-looking mythical young guy. But I think he has a small cock!
Or maybe not…
BBG: Oh, small one would be good to go into my arse – do you have his number because I need him to take my bum-virginity!
Ufff, I was getting angry (and provocative).
Mr TV Director: I'm a virgin in that respect too. Because of women like you who can't take it! Shame. So we want a young Apollo who can fuck us both up the arse in turn! Then you can both suck me together. Hmm.
I've got to stop this - I tell myself - he prefers men!
BBG: This conversation is becoming monotonous.. I better go back to the dinner party.
I cooled off a little and because I actually liked him, I decided to tell him what it was that I wanted.
BBG: The issue is that I want to be loved. And I want everyone (and everything) to be secondary.
Mr TV Director: I know. Of course. I'm just in the mood for enjoying the everything else at the moment.
I wish I knew then, that he really meant that last sentence and I really meant my last note too.
There were few more texts, containing mixture of poetry and pornography, exchanged that evening.
…..
The next morning…
Mr TV Director: Bye Maria! Look forward to catching up soon! x
BBG: According to your text messages you slept with me last night. So... how was it?
Was I any good? :-)
Mr TV Director: Oh Maria, you were great!
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Send me your naughty pics [Mr TV Director]
I started to disturb Mr TV Director one Thursday afternoon, when I found out I didn't get the job I really wanted, because I spoke Russian instead of Portuguese. I thought, right, I might have not got that job but at least I might get some flirting, if I'm lucky. Besides, Mr TV Director actually asked to be distracted.
Beautiful but Grumpy: Hi! Ready to disturb a little… What am I disturbing at, anyway?
Mr TV Director: You bad, bad woman! I'm trying to work! Next you'll be sending me naughty pics!
BBG: I can see you are trying your luck! I'm sure you have plenty in your existing collection - just cut out heads and change for Paris Hilton, puppies and kittens. What are you working on?
Mr TV Director: That's quite a good idea, but it's just not the same. I'm going away for work at the weekend, so just getting ready for that. But I'm feeling lazy. You?
BBG: Searching for guitars on internet... Are you going anywhere interesting and warm?
Mr TV Director: Both. Cuba. Guitars? Not men?
BBG: I have you, don't I? Hoping to meet Buena Vista Social Club?
Mr TV Director: Oh yes, me. I'm yours. All yours.And no, not more of that bloody social club! Climate change and hurricanes. x
BBG: Are you scientist?
Mr TV Director: Why? Because I want to study your body? No, TV Director.
BBG: I like your surname..
Mr TV Director: I find yours... disturbing.
BBG: I'm sorry...
Mr TV Director: That's OK. But it has left me feeling rather shaken. Hopefully you'll make up for it in other ways...
BBG: At the moment I can only disturb you more.. unless you want me to stop?
Mr TV Director: The more disturbing the better. Shock me, you're on a roll. I'm a glutton for punishment.
BBG: I don't think I can go beyond teenage shoplifting but that was something you've already guessed..
Mr TV Director: I'm sure other vices have developed since then. I have a bagload. Laziness, aloofness, selfishness, abstinence, and the usual sexual perversions.
BBG: In Germany these would be ideal to put on your CV!
Mr TV Director: So I presume England has drawn you because it suits your own vices. Hmm.
BBG: Yes? What do YOU think?
Mr TV Director: Hmm. The one vice that I recommend you cultivating is a perverse interest in older men that you come across on the internet, particularly those who live in Notting Hill with pleasant surnames. This can be viewed as a very British vice, as it can lead to nothing but misery and yet is to be embraced with good humour and a stiff upper lip.
BBG: This must be it - I have only recently developed a 'taste' for older men, but I haven't had a chance to 'consume' any… Have you just woken up?
Mr TV Director: Just woken up? No no. Hard at work. Well, at work.
Come, explore. Taste me. Consume.
BBG: Ok.... I might just do that. Might need to meet you in a public place first to see if you haven't got any visible psychotic conditions :-)
Mr TV Director: Thankfully, my psychotic conditions aren't visible. I'm going away this weekend for a few weeks, for work. So plenty of time to consider a location. Send me another pic or two to see me on my way. Oh go on. x
Strangers, or not anymore? By that point I was so turned on that I could tell that my face was burning, eyes were glassy, and my thighs were so hot I had to un-do them from being crossed. I heard my boss’s voice from behind. He was looking at my face suspiciously. Oh Scheisse! I managed to press a button making the naughty conversation disappear... leaving my computer screen showing the newest Gibson acoustic.
Beautiful but Grumpy: Hi! Ready to disturb a little… What am I disturbing at, anyway?
Mr TV Director: You bad, bad woman! I'm trying to work! Next you'll be sending me naughty pics!
BBG: I can see you are trying your luck! I'm sure you have plenty in your existing collection - just cut out heads and change for Paris Hilton, puppies and kittens. What are you working on?
Mr TV Director: That's quite a good idea, but it's just not the same. I'm going away for work at the weekend, so just getting ready for that. But I'm feeling lazy. You?
BBG: Searching for guitars on internet... Are you going anywhere interesting and warm?
Mr TV Director: Both. Cuba. Guitars? Not men?
BBG: I have you, don't I? Hoping to meet Buena Vista Social Club?
Mr TV Director: Oh yes, me. I'm yours. All yours.And no, not more of that bloody social club! Climate change and hurricanes. x
BBG: Are you scientist?
Mr TV Director: Why? Because I want to study your body? No, TV Director.
BBG: I like your surname..
Mr TV Director: I find yours... disturbing.
BBG: I'm sorry...
Mr TV Director: That's OK. But it has left me feeling rather shaken. Hopefully you'll make up for it in other ways...
BBG: At the moment I can only disturb you more.. unless you want me to stop?
Mr TV Director: The more disturbing the better. Shock me, you're on a roll. I'm a glutton for punishment.
BBG: I don't think I can go beyond teenage shoplifting but that was something you've already guessed..
Mr TV Director: I'm sure other vices have developed since then. I have a bagload. Laziness, aloofness, selfishness, abstinence, and the usual sexual perversions.
BBG: In Germany these would be ideal to put on your CV!
Mr TV Director: So I presume England has drawn you because it suits your own vices. Hmm.
BBG: Yes? What do YOU think?
Mr TV Director: Hmm. The one vice that I recommend you cultivating is a perverse interest in older men that you come across on the internet, particularly those who live in Notting Hill with pleasant surnames. This can be viewed as a very British vice, as it can lead to nothing but misery and yet is to be embraced with good humour and a stiff upper lip.
BBG: This must be it - I have only recently developed a 'taste' for older men, but I haven't had a chance to 'consume' any… Have you just woken up?
Mr TV Director: Just woken up? No no. Hard at work. Well, at work.
Come, explore. Taste me. Consume.
BBG: Ok.... I might just do that. Might need to meet you in a public place first to see if you haven't got any visible psychotic conditions :-)
Mr TV Director: Thankfully, my psychotic conditions aren't visible. I'm going away this weekend for a few weeks, for work. So plenty of time to consider a location. Send me another pic or two to see me on my way. Oh go on. x
Strangers, or not anymore? By that point I was so turned on that I could tell that my face was burning, eyes were glassy, and my thighs were so hot I had to un-do them from being crossed. I heard my boss’s voice from behind. He was looking at my face suspiciously. Oh Scheisse! I managed to press a button making the naughty conversation disappear... leaving my computer screen showing the newest Gibson acoustic.
A day in the life of TV Director
I was hunted down by a veteran of on-line dating, MR TV DIRECTOR, as soon as I put my foot (naked one with blood-red toe nails) in the door of Guardian Soulmates portal:
Mr TV Director: Well, I certainly am taller than you. And I saw it on telly this weekend that really height is all a woman is looking for in a man - something to do with picking berries and fighting tigers - so surely worth a go...
His pictures were hidden and profile read: ' Tall, lovely male looking for someone dead sexy, who used to shoplift as teenager. Neither drippy nor dippy. Mod not hippy'. Intriguing, I thought.
Beautiful but Grumpy: Tall and a socialist.. you certainly tick all the boxes! Do you have a photo to top this ideal up? :-)
Mr TV Director: Oh, and I have so many other wonderful attributes too. (I'll let you know once I've had a think.) You can see me already, Maria dear. Just click on that thing that says private pics.
BBG: Why do you think its Maria and not Anna? Doesn't Anna go with teenage shoplifting more?
Mr TV Director: Does it? Do you think? Neither sound dippy or drippy. But, to me, Anna is the innocent side of you. And so it's Maria whom I address. Bad, bad Maria... Dan x
BBG: he, he. Have a really good day Dan- the-part-time-psychotherapist.. A/M
Mr TV Director: I'll try. And you too. I'm working but would love to be distracted. (private e-mail and mobile number added). Dan x
BBG: I'll see what I can do..
Ha, I thought, a real man! Sexy and intelligent. What a treat after a waterfall of mails like this one, from CHIRPYCHAPPY:
Please have a look at my profile and let me know what you think.
If you don't, well it will be another lonely night with a bottle of whisky and a packet of pork scratchings.
Mr TV Director: Well, I certainly am taller than you. And I saw it on telly this weekend that really height is all a woman is looking for in a man - something to do with picking berries and fighting tigers - so surely worth a go...
His pictures were hidden and profile read: ' Tall, lovely male looking for someone dead sexy, who used to shoplift as teenager. Neither drippy nor dippy. Mod not hippy'. Intriguing, I thought.
Beautiful but Grumpy: Tall and a socialist.. you certainly tick all the boxes! Do you have a photo to top this ideal up? :-)
Mr TV Director: Oh, and I have so many other wonderful attributes too. (I'll let you know once I've had a think.) You can see me already, Maria dear. Just click on that thing that says private pics.
BBG: Why do you think its Maria and not Anna? Doesn't Anna go with teenage shoplifting more?
Mr TV Director: Does it? Do you think? Neither sound dippy or drippy. But, to me, Anna is the innocent side of you. And so it's Maria whom I address. Bad, bad Maria... Dan x
BBG: he, he. Have a really good day Dan- the-part-time-psychotherapist.. A/M
Mr TV Director: I'll try. And you too. I'm working but would love to be distracted. (private e-mail and mobile number added). Dan x
BBG: I'll see what I can do..
Ha, I thought, a real man! Sexy and intelligent. What a treat after a waterfall of mails like this one, from CHIRPYCHAPPY:
Please have a look at my profile and let me know what you think.
If you don't, well it will be another lonely night with a bottle of whisky and a packet of pork scratchings.
Saturday, 14 November 2009
How to escape Facebook stalker
Joining an on-line dating site was a reaction to being e-stalked on Facebook. I simply quitted Facebook one Bank Holiday Monday, and few hours later, after trying to live my life in pre-internet fashion, I realised I couldn't do it, and that I still needed an addiction. Yes, I know I could have just blocked the stalker, but taking in account his intelligence and perseverance, and my growing boredom with social sites, something fresh and exciting needed to be injected into my London life.
That was two weeks ago...
Now, I have my profile on Guardian Soulmates. As soon as I add a photo of close up of my face, I received an e-mail from someone who called himself Matisse241. His profile said he was 55 years old, although on his photo 'Matisse' was still in his early forties. I looked at his profile again and noticed more pictures, this time these were pencil drawings of women - all shapes, ages, colour - naked. Few e-mails later and Matisse241 invited me to a life drawing class... as a model.
I have a feeling, that on-line dating will become the best entertainment around...
That was two weeks ago...
Now, I have my profile on Guardian Soulmates. As soon as I add a photo of close up of my face, I received an e-mail from someone who called himself Matisse241. His profile said he was 55 years old, although on his photo 'Matisse' was still in his early forties. I looked at his profile again and noticed more pictures, this time these were pencil drawings of women - all shapes, ages, colour - naked. Few e-mails later and Matisse241 invited me to a life drawing class... as a model.
I have a feeling, that on-line dating will become the best entertainment around...
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