I want to pull your knickers to one side

Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi


Beautiful but Grumpy: Dear Boss. Miss Secretary is going away for a week. She will still have a pen ready if notes are to be taken.

The Boss: You’re always going away. I dread to think what will be added to that sex blog of yours ;)

BbG: Actually, I need someone to post when I’m away.

The Boss: OK but I refuse to load up any jpegs. Where are you going?

BbG: I’m off to Gdansk to spend some time at seaside. You won’t understand since you spend all your time that way.

The Boss: Well have a lovely time. In.. in.. where? Gdansk? I do wish you’d stop making things up.

BbG: ha, ha. Not making things up J

The Boss: I want to pull your knickers to one side and taste you. Then I want to kiss your mouth.

BbG: I want that too. And while you are kissing me I want to push my hips until I feel you hard and pulsating.

The Boss: Oooh.. now you’re talking.

BbG: Adam…

The Boss: I want to finger fuck you until you cum over my hand.

BbG: I would come instantly

The Boss: I just want to slowly push two fingers inside you, making you shudder as I play with you.

BbG: you’ve just made me cum. It was hard to keep quiet.

The Boss: Mmm… I like that. Now you just need your neck caressing and kissed and you’d have a nice night’s sleep J

…..

The next morning…

BbG: Fell asleep showered with affection. Thank you. Have a lovely Friday J

The Boss: I’ve just woken up and I’m imagining you playing with yourself. Now I’m the one turn on.

BbG: Imagine that I’m really close, that you can feel my warmth.

The Boss: Waaay ahead of you ;)

BbG: Congratulations ;)

Haribo and masturbation



Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi

 
London was a chaos last week. Anarchy on the streets. Theft, fire, and violence.

It brings to mind the old question: “ How would you spend your last minutes knowing the world is ending?” People often answer ‘having sex’. Really, I ask? How easy would it be to find someone to have sex with, right there, on the spot.

For me, this idea evokes even stronger desire to get together with my comedian lover, Adam-the-Boss. So I try to sense if he’s still busy with work, or if we could soon merge in wild love-making:

Beautiful but Grumpy: It’s so hard to work from home. How do you do it??

The Boss: Haribo and masturbation x

BbG: Perfect title for a song. I’m on Nutella. Not so easy to masturbate with a broken leg tho. X

The Boss: Broken leg? God, how did you do that? My turn to business travel now – off to LA! X

BbG: How long for, you lucky thing? I’ve never been (take me with you!) Nothing serious – broken fibula (looking sexy on crutches). Hit by a rolling stone on the way to Mt Blanc but made it to the top! X

The Boss: ouch. Sounds painful. Rest up and heal. X

BbG: Thanks. Have fun in LA (don’t forget your sunblock) x

I stare at my broken leg resting comfortably on the bed frame.

Do I really look sexy on crutches? Why did I need to tell him about the leg?  He is so busy, and the trip to LA must be for a film pitch. Last thing he needs is to be troubled by the outcomes of my risky sports adventures. I add another pillow to support my sore ankle.

God, what if he actually becomes famous? He probably would have even less time for me… It would be great to see him succeed though. He’s so talented and hard working. I lay in bed, with my miserable broken leg, imagining all the fun that fame could bring.

Condoms, presents and Beyonce at Glastonbury



Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi


I'm temporarily renting a room in the historical part of London, and my new lover Adam (aka the Boss, a comedian) has met my Landlady. She is a retired actress. She still sings and plays banjo.

Adam-the-Boss texts me the day after staying overnight at mine:

The Boss: Hi Miss Secretary. Now you have pointed out that sunspot it stares me in the face when I look in a mirror. Shall I wear a mask? X

Beautiful but Grumpy: A diving bell… My Landlady has just sat me down for a talk on contraceptives. It’s all your fault!

The Boss: What??? What did she say? That’s funny. You’ve got a substitute mum/grandma.

BbG: More of a grandma. She suggested using some gels on top of condoms. You cannot imagine how hard it was to keep a straight face.

The Boss: oh.. my.. God. She must have heard us and presumed you were in pain! Either that or she owns shares in gel company and she wants you to invest :)

BbG: :) I suspect she’d heard us. What if she offers me her own gel?

The Boss: What if her husband offers me his condoms?

BbG: He clearly does not use any – 3 children with fellow band members…

The Boss: I’d get an extra lock on my door if I were you.

BbG: Well, funny you must say that – yesterday 3 of us sung together (Landlady played banjo). Today he bought me a present…

The Boss: What did he give you? Was it a discount off another one of his paintings? A cloth hat?

BbG: Well, he told me he’d bought a book for me but he hasn’t given it to me yet. I think he forgot. And I’m too shy to ask!

The Boss: Oh yes, the old ‘Oh, I forgot to give you your book’ knock on your bedroom door at midnight. Don’t answer in that sexy shirt/knicker combo!

BbG: You liked it? In that case I’ll only answer the door wearing leather jacket and lots of eye make up to put him off. How are you?

The Boss: I’m good, thanks. Watching Beyonce at Glastonbury.

BbG: I’m surprised you haven’t made it there to see her in person.

The Boss: I would only distract her. She’d forget her words.

BbG: :) I like her. She’s a good dancer.

The Boss: Yeah, she’s pretty awesome. She must do a hot waltz.

BbG: Just imagine that foxtrot that you could impress her with.

The Boss: Her hair would get in my face to much. I’d have to decline.

BbG: :) good

It will be interesting having Adam-the-Boss coming over again and my Landlady poking around. Last time he was at mine she said, before heading to bed “Well, I assume I will see you at breakfast then”. “If you don’t get kicked out” she added quietly, and ostentatiously turned towards the large staircase, that led to her opulently decorated bedroom.

Spread your legs, or Miss Secretary meets her Boss

And it happened.

I throw myself on the bed. Adam squeezes my bum.

‘Aaah’ he whispers and stares at it for a while.

Then he quickly takes my silk panties off and begins to kiss me between legs.

‘Spread your legs’ I hear him say. I spread them wide open and lose myself in pleasure.

‘You’ve got a nice body’ I complement my new lover while touching his muscular legs.

‘I eat crisps’ he replies.

‘Don’t make me laugh - I can’t be aggressive’ I giggle and greedily kiss his neck.

I lay in Adam’s arms under a dim light. Silence. He gently caresses my back. 

‘You’ve found an imperfection?’ I ask quietly.

‘No’ he whispers, now caressing my neck ‘it’s ALL perfect’ he adds with slightly trembling voice. I beam with pleasure and hold on to him tighter.

‘Why don’t we see each other more often?’ I drop surprising both of us.
‘What?’ he asks and lifts himself off the pillow. ‘I didn’t want a relationship. My career has finally picked up and I just didn’t want a responsibility. But then again, you are independent and have a busy job...’ I freeze. ‘And I DO want to keep seeing my secretary. I do...’ he adds enthusiastically and tries to hug me while I'm involuntary pulling away. Adam tries to hold me back. 
‘Ah, it’s all ruined now...’ I hear him say from behind my shoulder.

I switch off the light.

We lay in silent darkness. Suddenly I hear Adam drawing a deep breath. He slowly turns me towards him, cuddles me, caresses my chin and then gently cups my face in his palms. I feel warmth of his body when he kisses me, for what seems like, a very long time.

A text comes the next day:
Adam: I forgot to say I met your Malaysian housemate on the kitchen stairs this morning. I think he thought I was a burglar.

Notes



Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi


I've had my date with a comedian called Adam (aka the Boss) and I am dying to tell you all about it. But in the meantime I will share a last-minute conversation we had a day before our date:

Beautiful but Grumpy: Hello Boss. Here are the details of your conference: Address. Dress code: smart casual. What food do you fancy? There is so much choice here (no 7 courses please - I want you in my bed  asap). Your Secretary x


The Boss: Miss Secretary. Thank you for the information - very efficient as usual! I have a small request in that I have to dine with my agent at 6.30, so rather than a meal could we go for drinks? I can be with you for 8.30. x

BbG: 8.30 is fine (although I thought I was your agent) x

The Boss: Agent is work only. Secretary is my very helpful assistant who I allow to get personal with. Actually, Miss Secretary I have some notes for you. Do you have a pen?

BbG: Yes my Boss...

The Boss: OK good. Notes are as follows...

The Boss: I want to fuck your mouth, your pussy, and your ass. End of notes.

The beginning

Photo: Akif Hakan Celebi


Sometimes we just can't imagine how honesty can change the reality.

The Boss: Oh miss! My sister is coming to Brighton at the weekend and I have to meet her early Saturday morning. Can we postpone our Friday conference for another time? Sorry!x

I lay on my bed and think of what to reply. I should tell him to go to hell but my heart sinks. It meant so much to finally see him again.

Beautiful but Grumpy: Oh, I was really looking forward to seeing you. You’ll need to make it up to me big time!
The Boss: I know, sorry – family an all that. I will definitely make it up to you. I will save up all my energy so I will be like a sex dynamo!
BbG: Oh and what should I do with this freshly waxed Brazilian? Keep in on ice?
The Boss: Oh man... (heart skips beat).. actually, ice cubes + my mouth + your Brazilian would be something to write about.

BbG: Didn’t know you were good at maths... Ok, I forgive you this time. Have a great weekend x

15 min later...

The Boss: Stop Press! My sister got her stupid times wrong (she’s coming to Brighton via France, you see). She won’t be here till Saturday eve so your boss can still make Friday after all. Is that Brazillian still smooth?
BbG: I can’t make it this Friday – I’ve jumped out of the window, you see.
The Boss: Ok, but you must still be alive in order to send this text. All I need is a pulse and I can do the rest.
BbG: What if I had no nose? Would you still go ahead?
The Boss: You’ve got a dimmer on your light switch haven’t you?
BbG: You animal! What if I was making very strange noise (as a result of this accident, of course)?The Boss: I’d probably be breathing heavier.
BbG: What if I only had a head and the rest would be a machine [an unattractive machine (and no nose)...]?
The Boss:  A double whisky and coke and i’m good to go.
BbG:  You bustard!
The Boss: I think it’s romantic.
BbG: Sorry, have I spelled ‘bustard’ right?
The Boss: yeah, that’s the way Queen says it.
BbG: So you think it’s romantic to shag a human vegetable?
The Boss: I’d bring a rose.
BbG: And a nose!
The Boss: Miss secretary is getting very sarcastic. I think she needs a good dressing down. Even if she is just wires.
BbG: Ok, I admit, it’s romantic...
The Boss: There, that’s better.
BbG: Don’t patronise me!
The Boss: I tell you what, miss secretary, I’ve a good mind to stick my hand up your skirt for that sort of remark.
BbG: Luckily I’m wearing a polka dot skirt right now...laying on my bed...
The Boss: Well then I’d stick my hand up that polka dot skirt, pull your knickers to one side and roughly finger you to teach you a lesson.
BbG: And then I would roughly hand-job you (because I know you don’t like it).
The Boss: Ouch!
BbG: That wouldn’t make me stop. Oh no.
The Boss: I’d be the one jumping out of the window.
BbG: And we would live happily ever after.
The Boss: The End.
BbG: Not a beginning?
The Boss: We’re only just beginning. Why do I have a desire to stand you up and tongue you from behind? explain that.
BbG: Was there a song like this?
The Boss: Oh yeah. I think it was Kylie and Jason?
BbG: And look what happened to them.
The Boss: They had some good times though. And Kylie used to like having a hand up her skirt so I heard.
BbG: I’ll take it as a good omen.

The return of The Boss

Do may remember this really lovely comedian called Adam? We met few months ago at a costume party and had this little sexy Boss-Secretary game going on... I couldn't wait any longer for his move and as I was walking around London I came across something strangely funny. Not thinking twice I've sent him the pic with the following message:

Beautiful but Grumpy: Hey, guess what this might be...

The Boss: An antique sex toy?

BbG: It’s called Boutique Bug Hotel. I think the address can be found in the phonebook... Hope you are well and work is good?

The Boss: Yes, I’m good thanks. Drowning in things to do. How’s miss secretary?

BbG: Up to the neck with work. Miss secretary has moved to WC1 and is enjoying dancing Irish step. Has Boss tried it?

The Boss: My legs are too long for Irish step. I would take somebody’s eye out.  WC1 though? Nice! Is that your own place?

BbG: But at least you would look good in the costume. My own? Not yet. How are your housemates?

The Boss: they are all crazy. I can’t wait to get my own place! How is your blog? Maybe I should give you something to write about J

BbG: You could try J bear in mind my readers have high expectations!

The Boss: You have a very demanding audience. Still, i’m always up for a challenge.

BbG: Yeap, blogging is a tough business. I’ll leave it to you to come up with an idea if you like a challenge.

The Boss: Ok, but I’m still not going to let you pull my hair.

BbG: But it comes out so well on paper! People love it. Same for cupping face in hands. We’ve got to have it.

The Boss: Ha! Well you can add those bits in the text! How about I make you stand against a wall, strip you and stick my tongue in you from behind? Recon they’d go for that?

BbG: This is my corporate phone. My (real) boss has just read it...

The Boss:  Ah...

BbG: Joking! I like the idea.

So, it looks like there will be a date after all. I can’t wait...

BbGx

Sexy Secretary is born

I wake up with a massive hangover. Have few mugs of coffee with Ella, and more or less, spend the rest of the day in t-shit and panties, discussing how good the party was. I knew my sexy comedian Adam would get in touch but I’m (pleasantly) surprised to see his text arriving so soon. I read it with a burning face, then show it to Ella as if it was a prize that I‘ve just won.

ADAM: Miss Secretary. My make-up won’t come off completely. I look a bit like a clown. What do you suggest? X Your Boss

‘It’s sort of symbolic and psychological…’ Ella starts a monologue looking somewhere at the ceiling for inspiration while stirring boiling pasta. ‘I like it’ she concludes ‘He’s trying to be deep’. ‘Bullshit’ I think gazing at her in silence waiting for ‘ I'm only joking’, but no, she is actually serious. Oh dear, never mind. I reply to Adam:

BbG: Dear Boss. This does sound awful... Did you try the make-up remover I’ve left in your bathroom? Your devoted Secretary

ADAM: Thank you, Miss. Excellent work as always. Your hard work needs to be rewarded. What would you like?

I read out Adam’s sexy reply to Ella. She smiles shaking her head and throws advice ‘This is the time to say – “I want you to take me from behind and it better be somewhere in the public. That’s how I like it”.

Yes,  that's surely what I would like to say but I’ve just met this guy! So I chose to show him my playful and romantic side and text back:

BbG: Thank you my Boss. Trip to Paris would be lovely x

ADAM: Tickets in the post. X  :)

BbG: Wonderful. You are the best boss ever! Is there anything else I can do for you?

ADAM: Your boss has to retire to bed and could use a rub down to help him relax. I know it’s not in your job description but I could always change the contract.

BbG: With pleasure (and aromatherapy oils)...

ADAM: Purrrrrfect. I shall of course return the favour. All you have to do is just undress and slide under the covers with me.

(Oh no - I will try to hold on to my clothes on as long as possible…)

BbG: Emmm, do I really need to undress? I could take off my jacket and heals, I guess... I’m warming up my hands.

ADAM: I wouldn’t want your work clothes to get creased. Also, I think you’ll like the way my smooth hands will feel against your skin, so I think it’s best for you to strip down to your underwear. In fact, that’s an order.

(The last part has me in stitches and I think it’s daring (and very, very sexy), but I’m not into having a ‘sexting’ session before meeting him again).

BbG:  ha, ha! Maybe a slow dance first with my arms around your neck?

ADAM: Sure. Hey, that felt nice yesterday. You felt good in my arms, pressed against me.

(Oh, that’s such a sweet thing to say…)

BbG: Mmmm, yes, it felt nice. And your hands are so soft.

ADAM: Soft but firm, and it felt good moving them over your body and pulling you in so I could kiss you.

BbG: Yes, firm. I liked the way you touched me and kissed my lips and my neck...

................

(The next morning I wake up to the following text:)

ADAM: I do apologise. My texting got cut short due to a technical error (I dropped the phone). Have a nice Monday x

BbG: J I forgive you! X

(I’m sure I will have a great Monday – I can’t stop smiling.)

Drunk and happy (part II)

They stand way too close for comfort and swiftly ask ‘What’s your name?’

‘Maria’I say calmly. ‘Where do you live?’ the guy wearing eye liner pretends to interrogate me. Trying to hold back laughter I act offended ‘Are you a stalker?’

He bursts out laughing shaking his head. ‘I live around here’ I admit finally and smile.

They introduce themselves: Adam and Tommy. They write comedy sketches for TV. None of which I’ve ever heard of.

Adam… nice, romantic eyes (bit too much mascara for my taste), handsome manly face, broad shoulders, fitted black shirt; cute, shy smile. I stare at his face far too long. I realise that only when his friend looks at us both amused.

The dance floor gets flooded with jolly party guests and the music is loud. ‘Let’s spend time together here’ Adam says lightly. ‘Fine, but who’s the boss?’ I ask playfully. ‘I am. And you are my secretary’ he pretends to be serious.

Pushed by the crowd I lean on Adam’s arm. I feel his warmth when he whispers to my ear ‘What is it that you want?’ I look at him surprised only to be met by his confident and encouraging gaze. Suddenly it’s clear ‘Freedom, filled with love and affection’ I answer. Adam smiles throwing his head back. ‘You can have it all’ I hear and with closed eyes, I start dancing, involuntarily, being pulled by, what I can only describe as, euphoria…

When I open my eyes, surrounded by masses of people moving rhythmically in partial darkness, I see Adam’s face near mine. I sense his smell – musky and clean.  His lips are cold, his tongue pushing deep. I embrace his neck with both hands and push my hips forward. Mixture of adrenaline and calming pleasure surges through me. I lean back gently pulling in his head until our lips are apart.

Adam takes my hand in his and leads through the crowd. I feel drunk and happy. Strong moonlight floods the floor through the window that leads to the garden.  Suddenly Tommy appears. He exchanges few words with Adam. They must leave, taxi is waiting; tomorrow is a big day.

Adam pulls me gently to the side, hugs me and whispers ‘I will see you again, right?’ I nod and hear the sound of a broken glass. I look around and see that I've pushed a glass that stood on a radiator. ‘Hope it’s not a symbol of our relationship’ Adam murmurs.

I see them at the door, with a red-haired, elegant woman.  Adam turns in my direction once more – he looks serious, even sad, and lifts his hand, intending to wave. I try to smile.

Ela comes over, ‘You like him’, she stands close to me looking at the door. Our shoulders are touching. ‘Yes’I say softly, and for the first time in a long time, I mean it.