So it's been about a month since my first office romance has ended. But it only ended for me, as it became apparent from Matthew's e-mails, which contain various emotional massages – ranging from anger and arrogance to the kindest and sweetest little notes.
And in addition, I am to spend an entire management meeting seating opposite him. I recognise his aftershave immediately and I swear, if I close my eyes I will feel like being in bed with him again, that's how strong it is (although we never actually slept with each other!). He's changed – contact lenses instead of glasses, serious and thoughtful expression on his face (not that he looked like an imbecile before). I know exactly why I fancied him – that deep voice! People naturally turn to him when hear him speak.
But I also know very well why he wasn't for me – he is controlling, and under all this apparent manliness he is quite insecure and lost.
The meeting is being scheduled by our senior manager,
Jay - we are to decide on the mid year grading of the whole department. This is not one of the boring meetings I often attend, where people try to monopolise the time to only solve their issues or in turn can't make simple decisions! Today the pressure is on identifying certain number of people as 'underperformers', to fit in the curve of the organisation as a whole. Not easy, but needs to be done.
It's 5 of us here, and just like '12 Angry Men', no one wants to be here today.
My boss, for instance - he's e-mailed this morning warning that he will be in later than usual. It transpires his brother has been sectioned again. I notice tiny traces of blood on his otherwise immaculate white shirt. Yes, he's got a 10 year younger sibling, who is bio-polar, and has been in and out of hospitals for past 8 years. As much as I sometimes hate my boss, I do admire his heroic affords to 'save' his brother.
Then there is
Neal, who hasn't slept since 4am as his 6 months old daughter kept him awake, but his dreamy grin tells us all how much he enjoys fatherhood.
''I don't believe she is capable of that Neal - she looks like an angel'' I complement Neal's child, who was brought to the office last week to say 'Hello'. At which point Matthew gives me a certain look – the look of
'you see, you could have had one just like that (if not better) if you stayed with me'.
And there is
Rick – a bold, ex equities trader – who clearly has no desire to be here, as his long awaited holiday in Mallorca, with mates, starts tomorrow.
Contrary to my predictions, the meeting runs smoothly, and we agree to downgrade 2 out of 13 people. Not bad. And as its lunchtime and a sunny day, they all head to the pub next door for a pint. Except me – don't want to create opportunities for mingling with Matthew.
As usual, my boss only returns to the office to pick up his jacket, and to thank me for staying behind with the team. Of course, not a problem – a pleasure in fact, I assure him, and suggest gently he should rest after the traumatic events of the previous night. Once I have his attention I ask if he's eaten anything today.
He looks at me with a curiosity and a different level of seriousness I haven’t seen in him before, then he quickly composes himself, laughs it off with
''Eating is cheating!'' and waves me good bye.
The next morning, to my surprise, I receive a text. It’s from my boss, Jay:
''Hi. Went for a drink with Matthew last night and he was very upset. He told me you were a couple until a month ago? He is confused and I think he just wants to be friends with you as he misses your friendship. Just though I would let you know''.
Oh, great. He told him! Idiot.
I don’t need to think much about a reply:
''Morning Jay! Thanks for letting me know but I don't think I can be friends with him at the moment. I am purely thinking about work and how it would be affected. Hope you are OK.''
My boss texts back:
''I totally understand about you and Matthew. He was crying!.....I really like your intense personality! x''
What does that mean? Is he still drunk or is he…hitting on me?
